It's a Lot to Carry
by SassyCop
Summary: Takes place after S3E6 Beyond Belief "We have to push back..." Trigger warning. Abuse issues discussed.
1. Chapter 1

**SPOILERS FOR S3E6 Beyond Belief!**

**Something in what Gillian said at the end of this ep… needs resolution.**

"You all right, love?" Cal asks as she is walking away from him.

Gillian stops walking. She pauses before she turns toward him. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"I saw that, you know." He walks slowly toward her.

She looks down bracing herself. She looks up at him. "Saw what Cal?" She tries to maintain a neutral expression. She knew at some point a case would come along that would blow her resolve wide open. She immediately scrambles in her mind, looking for the proverbial way out.

Cal stops in front of her. "What was it Gill? Who hurt you?" He says it so quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Not mine, and all that… **

Gillian breathed a sigh of relief when she heard his phone ring. He pointed at her and gave her the 'we're not finished here' look as he glanced at the number on his phone.

"Hey, Em." Cal held up a finger to Gillian telling her to give him a minute. "What book?" he said into the phone. "Where did you leave it?" He covered the phone with his hand and said to Gillian "Don't go. I'll be right back." He walked toward the lab. "Are you sure it's in there?"

Gillian turned quickly and headed for her office. She grabbed her coat and her purse. She quickly turned off her computer and the light. _'I'll go through the lab. He'll come here first thing. That way we'll miss each other and I can get to the elevator.' _ She quietly opened the rarely used door that lead into the lab. She just saw him walk out the opposite door. She quickly cut through the lab and headed for the elevator. As luck would have it, the elevator was at their floor. She hopped on quickly and pushed the button for the garage.

Cal hung up with Emily and headed back to where he left Gillian. He knew she wouldn't be there. He headed toward her office. It was dark. _'You can't hide forever love.'_

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The next morning Gillian pulled into the garage and noticed Cal's car right away. _'Oh, God. He's never here this early.' _She felt her stomach flipping as she parked. Last night she thought about how the conversation with him would go while she laid in bed-not sleeping. Cal hadn't said what it was he saw. Maybe he saw the sadness and worry that was on her face as she walked Danielle into his office to meet with her mother. She was feeling those things for him as well as the two women. She knew he must be feeling a myriad of emotions watching Danielle get the chance to help her mother in a way that he never got to help his. She hoped that was what he saw. Before he stopped her with his questions last night, she had fully intended for him to follow her into her office where she could sit and check in with him about the impact this case had on him.

Gillian feared that what Cal saw was her reaction to Danielle during the interview they did with her in the cube. Based on the questions he asked, she knew where he was going last night. _'"What was it Gill? Who hurt you?" He is not going to let it go if that's where he was headed.' _She knew her only chance would be to catch him and ask about the impact on him before he could ask about what he saw on her face. Deflection never worked with Cal, but she had to try.

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Cal had come in early on purpose. He wanted to watch the interview with Danielle. He needed to make sure he was right about what he saw on Gillian's face. As he watched he saw it clearly. Recognition, fear, sympathy, shame. Recognition when Danielle had talked about her victimization. Fear when her own memories flashed through her mind. Sympathy when Danielle became emotional and spoke of her self-injuring behavior. Shame when she realized Danielle had gotten out of her situation; which meant Gillian had not been able to get out.

Cal pulled up the feed from Gillian's office during the brief meeting she had with Danielle before they had come in to Cal's office to meet with her mother. He saw Gillian sitting across from Danielle. He heard her say "It's a lot to carry, you know, to have to, to have to work through." He heard her voice crack with emotion. He felt as if that was directly related to Danielle having to deal with her mother's suicide attempt. Gillian then said "What Stafford did to you, to your m-mother, to all those people, it's horrifying." He saw her face tighten. "But, he's a sociopath." Something flashes in her eyes. "But we push back, and we hold on, and **we push** back. And we get help, from people who really care about us. So take this step."

At first glance, Cal thought Gillian was reflecting on him and his situation with his mother. But, now, watching this feed, he knew there was more to what she was saying. There was something very personal about her reaction to Danielle. What he saw in her face made his stomach feel sick. What had she been holding on to? How had he not seen this before? He had to approach Gillian carefully. Running at her straight on is what she would expect. She would only get defensive and close off at that. He needed a softer approach…

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**My plan is to make this a slow moving story, heavy on dialogue. Just warning you now so if that's not your cup of tea you know ahead of time! This is a 'setting the stage' chapter.**

**These characters don't belong to me, but the back story I am creating for Gillian is totally mine.**

Gillian detoured to the coffee shop. She got herself an overly sweet cup of coffee and a cup of tea for Cal. She headed into the office. _'The only way to deal with this is to go at him head on before he can get to me.'_

Gillian held her chin high and kept her shoulders back as she passed Anna's desk. "Good morning Anna."

"Good morning Dr. Foster. Dr. Lightman was asking for you a little bit ago."

'_I bet he was.'_ "Thanks." Well the good news was the look on Anna's face was fairly calm. If Cal had been on a warpath, Gillian would have seen the anxiety on her face.

Gillian took a deep breath and walked into Cal's office. She found him sitting behind his desk looking intently at his laptop. As she approached she said "Please, tell me you're writing a book?" She smiled at him as he looked up then she set his tea on his desk beside his computer.

Cal saw her enter and closed out his camera feed. He didn't want her to know he had been watching for her or that he had seen the deep breath she took before coming into his office. "Of course I am. I am writing one hell of a book." Cal smiled at her and then picked up his tea. "Thanks love."

"You're welcome." Gillian turned to leave.

"So, what you got going on today then?" Cal wasn't ready for her to retreat yet.

Gillian stopped and turned back toward him. '_Not yet Cal. At least let me finish my coffee.'_ "The usual. Payroll, new cases to farm out, and the reports from the last few days. You?" Gillian didn't walk back towards him. She really wanted to leave.

"Oh, I have these videos to get through, and a book I should be writing." Cal stood up and walked toward her. "Fancy some lunch later?"

Gillian looked at him curiously. "Sure." She went to turn around and leave but then decided to strike first. "You okay Cal?"

Cal was quick to answer as he closed some of the distance between them "Oh, I'm fantastic. What about you? You okay?"

Despite the fact that Gillian knew what he was doing, she feigned confusion and said "I'm fine." She took a few steps toward him. "I'm worried about you. This case was a little close to home. If you want to talk…"

Cal stepped closer to her. _'Okay Gill. We can play your way. If I say I want to talk, at least I can get the ball rolling.' _"So, lunch then? Noon-ish?"

Gillian smiled at him. "Noon-ish is fine. You know where to find me." She turned and left his office.

At 11:55, Cal stood up from his desk, grabbed his jacket and headed out his office door. He had thought all morning about how he wanted to handle this. He had decided to see where Gillian took the conversation. If she brought up yesterday, he would go with it. It did have an impact on him. Every case that dealt with suicide did. He couldn't deny that. He just hadn't let himself think too much about it. Truth be told, he let himself get lost in what he saw in Gillian. It's always much easier to look at someone else's stuff than your own.

As he approached her office he could see her sitting at her desk. She was staring at the computer screen in front of her intently. He paused to stare at her. She looked busy, but she didn't look like anything was particularly bothering her.

Just as he opened the door she looked up at him. She smiled and asked "Time for lunch?"

Cal smiled back at her. "It is."

Gillian was typing away on her keyboard. "Just give me a second, I'm nearly done here. Then I won't have to come back to this."

"Take your time, love." Cal plopped down in one of the chairs positioned in front of her desk. "No rush."

Gillian tapped away for another minute. She then sat back in her chair and took a deep breath. She twisted her neck slightly then clicked her mouse a few more times. "Done!" She stood up and grabbed her purse. "Let's go. I'm starving!"

Cal hopped up and beat her to her coat rack. He grabbed her jacket and held it out so she could slip it on. "How does Italian sound?"

"Wonderful!" Gillian buttoned her jacket and they headed out of the office.

The restaurant was only a few blocks away. They walked together mostly in silence. Both were wondering who was going to bring up the subject first. Cal wanted her to. He figured if he started it she would retreat and he'd get nowhere. Gillian wanted to broach the subject because she had been concerned about Cal, but her fear of Cal pushing any questions toward her kept her quiet. She was waiting for the right moment to ask him about it. She didn't know exactly what the right moment would be, but she would know it when she saw it.

The lunch conversation was light. They discussed a few new cases, Gillian asked about Emily's college hunt. Cal informed her that Zoe was taking Emily off today to visit Penn State for the weekend. Emily was not excited about going. She still had her heart set on Berkeley, which didn't make either of her parents happy. Cal wanted her to live at home and attend George Mason or Georgetown. Zoe wanted her to move out on her own and experience campus life, but she wanted her to at least stay on the east coast.

Gillian was happy to talk about Emily. She loved the girl and always liked to hear what was going on in her life. It was also a way to keep Cal focused on something else until she knew how to get to the topic they needed to discuss while she kept the focus on Cal.

The conversation lulled. Gillian saw Cal's face tighten and she knew it was time to ask. "Are you really okay Cal? I know this case was difficult for you, and I know you would never admit that…"

'_Good girl, Gill. I'll let you pick my brain a little. Then turnabout will be fair play.' _ "I couldn't hide from you if I wanted to. You are one of the few people that know about my mother and the effect it had on my life. I'm not gonna lie and say this case didn't affect me. These kind always do."

Gillian reached her hand across the table and took hold of his. Cal let her comfort him. It was hard for him to do that but he knew he would get further with her if he allowed her to do this for him. She didn't say anything. Just gave him an understanding look that told him she wouldn't pry but would listen if he wanted to talk.

Cal squeezed her hand in return. He then decided this setting wasn't an ideal one to have any kind of private talk. He flagged the waiter down and asked for the check. "Honestly Gill, you know I don't usually like to "talk" about things like this, but I know you think I should." He grinned at her.

Gillian gave him a skeptical look. "I'm not saying you have to Cal. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need or want to." _'I don't want to leave here and put this off again. The longer he waits to say something the worse it's gonna be. He's trying to ease me into the conversation. That can only mean he is taking the gentle, "help me first and then you'll have to let me help you" approach. Oh, no you don't, Cal Lightman. I'm onto you.'_

Cal tilted his head at her. _'Aw shit. She's onto me.' _"I know you're there for me, love. Do you know that I'm here for you too?"

"Cal…" Gillian stood and grabbed her jacket off the seat next to her. She wasn't sure what to think now. He probably did need to talk, but now he was holding that over her head so he could pry. _'What now Gillian?'_

Cal stood with her. As she went to walk by, he grabbed her wrist. He pulled her close to him and leaned in next to her ear. "I want us to talk, I do. But I want it to be a two way street. How about dinner tonight? I'll cook."

Gillian looked at him with an expression that could only be labeled as fear. "Cal. I don't know. I…"

"Let me know in a few hours, okay?" He gave her wrist a squeeze and then let go. "Emily is gone for the weekend. We could take our time. I think it would do us both good."

Gillian looked away from him. '_I don't want to do this Cal. I don't want to be pried open like a clam trying to protect its pearl. What made me think I could lock this away forever?' _ She looked back at him and hesitantly said "Ok Cal. I'm in for dinner." '_Please don't let this be a mistake…'_

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**It has literally been forever since I updated this story. I needed to finish my other fic first! Now I'm set to tackle this again. This chapter is to see if anyone is still interested and to get the ball rolling again. Let me know…**

Cal was delighted that Gillian had agreed to come to dinner. Now he just had to make sure to ease into the conversation so as not to scare her off. He cared for her for more than he could ever admit. Maybe that's why he didn't see whatever she had been hiding until now. She was most definitely his blind spot.

Gillian spent the afternoon berating herself for agreeing to have dinner with him. What was she thinking? She knew the only reason she had been able to keep her past hidden from him for so long was because she _was_ his blind spot. She liked the fact that he had more trouble reading her than she had reading him. It was probably because of the way their relationship had started out. He had revealed a lot of himself to her and she had kept her secrets hidden. It had been relatively easy, at first. She put on her professional demeanor and only let things leak through that she thought would be helpful in getting him to trust her as his psychologist. He had surprised her when he asked her to be his partner, and she had surprised herself even more when she agreed to join him in his venture. Their friendship had grown over the years and since she and Alec had split up, she found herself hiding from Cal less and less. It was a relief to have someone around that you didn't feel the need to hide from. She only wished she had felt the same about Alec the last few years of their marriage.

Cal spent most of the afternoon watching the clock and planning how the evening would go. He knew he would have to open up to Gillian about how he felt about the case. As much as he hated that, it was the only way to get into the heart of the case and get at what had triggered her in that interview. There was no way she would let him dig that deep at her without opening himself up first. If there was anything he had realized about Gillian through all the years they had been together, it was that she was extremely private. Cal knew small snippets about her past that she had shared with him, probably to pacify him, but no great details like she knew about him; his mother, his father, his illegal doings with Terry, and even some of the skeletons in his Bosnia closet. Most of those things he hadn't even shared with Zoe, much less anyone else.

* * *

At 4:30, Cal made his way to Gillian's office. She was working hard on something; so focused she didn't notice him when he quietly entered. He watched her from the door until she closed her eyes and leaned her head back. She leaned her head from side to side, stretching out her neck muscles. As she looked forward again she opened her eyes. She caught sight of Cal and smiled at him.

"Hey." Gillian glanced at the clock on her shelf. "Are you going to sneak out early?"

Cal smiled back at her. "Of course. I have a guest coming for dinner and I need to get by the store for the proper supplies." He walked over and leaned on her desk.

"I hope that stop at the store includes the purchase of something chocolate." She was still smiling at him, hoping she was hiding her nerves about tonight's dinner conversation.

Cal could see the slightest hint of nervousness and maybe even fear on her face. But he was not going to point it out as it was obvious she was trying not to let it show. Pointing it out would scare her off. He would hold his tongue. "Absolutely! This particular guest wouldn't be satisfied without a proper, chocolate dessert."

"You're a smart man Dr. Lightman."

"What time can I expect you then? Don't want you staying here and working late on a Friday, love." Cal gave her a pointed look.

"I wouldn't dream of it. I have a dinner invitation that I just found out includes something chocolate. I wouldn't dare work late and miss that." Gillian wished she felt as calm as she hoped she sounded. "I do need to go home and change first though." Gillian clicked her mouse and closed out what she had been working on. "Then I can head over. How about I bring some wine?"

Cal smiled at her. "Don't want to drink my expensive scotch tonight?"

"Not with dinner. I may break into it after though." _'Depending on how our conversation goes.'_

"Sure love. Bring your wine. Be there by 6?" Cal said as he turned to leave.

"Ok. I'll be there by 6."

Cal made his way down the hall and out the front door.

Gillian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. _'Relax. He's your best friend. You trust him. You should be able to talk to him about anything.' _She got up, grabbed her coat and purse, and headed for the door.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Posting this next chapter for #LieToMeLives Day. It's a bridge that will get us to the heart of the issue Gillian has been hiding from Cal. I hope I can post another one in the next few weeks. The next chapters are already planned in my head I just needed to get to this place in the story. Enjoy.**

Gillian had left the office at 5pm. She went home and changed into a light blue sweater and her favorite pair of jeans. She wanted to be comfortable for this. She grabbed a bottle of wine and headed out the door.

* * *

Cal made a quick stop at the store. He grabbed everything he needed to make the meal and then headed to the bakery. As luck would have it, they were putting a fresh baked, double chocolate cake in the window. He got that, paid for his purchases, and headed home.

He left the cake box on the kitchen island and set to work on his baked chicken. He had decided to go with the traditional chicken dish with wild rice and broccoli. He didn't want to add to any stomach upset Gillian had from being nervous so he avoided the spicy dishes.

* * *

By 7:30, dinner was finished and they were in the kitchen doing the dishes. Cal had tried to make Gillian sit down while he finished cleaning up, but she had insisted they do it together so it wouldn't take as long.

Gillian was just finishing up wiping the table as Cal started the dishwasher.

"Want some coffee love?"

Gillian thought for a second. "No. I'll wait and have some when we eat the cake in a bit." She walked over to the counter and topped off her glass of wine. "I will have some more wine though. Want the last bit?"

"Nah. Go ahead. I think I'll break into my good scotch." He retrieved his bottle from one of the cabinets.

They made their way into the living room. Gillian curled up on one end of the couch after pulling off her boots. Cal plopped on the other end. They were facing each other.

Cal studied her for a minute. _'She's obviously having some trouble bringing this up. Maybe I should do it. Or maybe I should drop it. I don't want to upset her, I just want to help.'_

Gillian felt her nervousness. She knew she wanted Cal to talk first. There was no way she was just going to delve into her past without at least trying to fight. She tried a few times to speak, but her voice wasn't coming.

Cal broke the silence. "So, where should we start?" Gillian looked up at him. It was obvious she was trying to speak and having a very hard time. "How about we start with me? Would that be easier?" He smiled a hopeful smile at her.

Gillian saw what he was doing and she loved him for it. As much of a curmudgeon as he could be, he was always softer for her when she needed that. "Yes. Thank you."

Cal studied his drink for a few seconds. "Well this was a hard one for me, for obvious reasons."

Gillian couldn't believe he was talking without her having to drag anything out of him. _'He must want to nose in my past something fierce. Oh God.'_

Cal continued "I know we were able to help… help to stop it. Something I couldn't do with my mum."

"You were a child Cal. You couldn't be expected to recognize what was happening much less do anything about it." Gillian unconsciously scooted close to him. She reached out her hand and patted his wrist.

"I know that. And I'm not going to start with the 'what iffing' again. I can't change anything." Cal looked up at her. "I feel glad that we were able to help. We stopped it before it could happen and got them on the right track." He looked down at his drink.

Gillian saw something in his face. "But, what Cal? What else are you thinking?" She waited, giving him time to answer when he was ready.

"I'd be lying if I said wasn't jealous. Danielle got to help her mum. She'll get to talk to her, find out what was going through her head, get an explanation." This was killing Cal. He hated opening himself up like this, but he had to. If he wanted to set the stage for Gillian to feel like she could share, he had to do it first. "She took the steps necessary to help her mum, she came to us."

"That's true." Gillian acknowledged. "You also have to consider that she knew what was happening with her mom. Her mom reached out to her, left that message. Your mother didn't give you that option to help. She, rather, tried to shield you from what she was going through."

"Yeah. She did a good job of that. I didn't suspect a thing." Cal shook his head.

Gillian could see what he was doing, trying to put the blame somewhere for his mother's death. "It's a little easier for Danielle. She can blame John Stafford for her mother's attempt; she knows it wasn't her fault. Whereas with you, there is no one to blame but your mom and that is hard to do. Which is why you took the blame for so long Cal."

"I get that love, I do." Cal reached over and took her hand. "I feel ashamed to say that it gets easier as each year passes, with each suicide I look into. It just happens and when you don't want to blame the person who takes their life, it makes it harder to reconcile."

"That it does." Gillian squeezed his hand. "But you helped to stop this one Cal. And now hopefully both of them can get the help they need."

"Yeah." Cal looked up at her. "What kind of help does Danielle need?"

Gillian swallowed hard. _'Here we go.'_

"What she's dealing with Gillian, is that what you identified with? The abuse she suffered at the hands of Stafford?"

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**TRIGGER WARNING**

**Posting a small chapter here so I can add this warning before I get to the next chapter. This fic will deal with abuse and in the next few chapters it may be hard for some to read. It will NOT be graphic. This is more a subject matter warning. It could be triggering for some. If that happens to you, please stop reading. I won't be offended. Take care of yourself first.**

"What she's dealing with Gillian, is that what you identified with? The abuse she suffered at the hands of Stafford?" Cal spoke the words softly as if that, in and of its self, would lessen the blow.

Gillian drew a slow, shaky breath in through her nose and let it out slowly. She could feel the old anxiety rolling around in her stomach. She hadn't had to acknowledge that black feeling in years. It did rear its ugly head occasionally when something would trigger her, but she was always able to get back to her calm place. It had been easier for years now since no one who was currently in her life knew anything about it. She had hoped she could leave it in her past. Although she knew, working with the people she did, it might someday prove too much to keep down.

"Gill?" Cal was leaning over to see her eyes which she had cast downward. "Gill?"

Gillian didn't realize she had zoned out until Cal got her attention. "I'm okay Cal."

"Oh, yeah. Clearly that didn't strike a nerve at all." Call didn't realize how snide the comment was until after it left his mouth.

Gillian's head snapped up and she gave him an incredulous look. She then shook her head and looked away.

"I'm sorry love." Cal scooted toward her.

Gillian startled at the movement and tried to cover up her reaction, but it was too late. Cal had seen it.

"Okay." He backed away toward his end of the couch. "I'm just gonna sit over here, not moving anymore."

"Cal…" Gillian took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I'm not going to fall apart." She took a large sip of her wine and swallowed. She set her glass on the coffee table and curled her feet under her as she sat facing him on the opposite end of the couch. "I'm not the walking wounded."

"Look, at the risk of making you mad… You just about jumped out of your skin when I moved toward you. Now, I know I can be right scary at times but you have never reacted to me like that. So please forgive me if I'm a little concerned." Cal was looking at her with questioning eyes.

"I'm sorry. This is difficult." She paused and looked down at her hands. "It's not that I have anything to hide. It's just, there are things you deal with in life and when you get to a point where you can put them away…" She took in a breath and let out a sigh.

"Love. You may have put it away, but I think you left the lid off the box." Cal paused for a second thinking she would argue that point. When she didn't, he continued. "I saw your face during that interview Gillian. Now, you did a good job trying to mask things. I actually almost missed it. At first I thought what I saw on your face was empathy for Danielle, but then I saw the fear. And while, you could have a fear reaction to what she was saying, counter transference and all that, you wouldn't have shown shame. I saw that too." Cal watched as Gillian shifted positions. Instead of her feet being curled under her, she sat back, pulled her knees up in front of her, and wrapped her arms around her legs. _'Oh wow. I'm walking in a mine field here.'_

The room was silent for a few moments while Gillian collected herself. Cal figured he had said enough and was biting his tongue to keep quiet. She needed to go from here otherwise it would be him forcing her into talking and there was no way that would turn out well.

Gillian looked up at Cal. "I'm not fragile. I won't break." She took a deep breath in. "I know what you saw, but before we go on I want to remind you that you don't always understand what's going on behind what you see."

**TBC**

**I promise not to leave you hanging so long this time. The next chapter is halfway finished!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Trigger warning. It starts in this chapter, although it is a small snippet. The next chapter will be more detailed (but again, NOT graphic).**

**I normally don't ask for reviews. I feel you should review only if you feel like you want to. But this story is a difficult one for me so any of you that feel able to, please give me some indication of how it is going. Good, bad, ridiculous, whatever. I would be most appreciative.**

Cal thought for a second. She was right. He was the expert at seeing things but not the greatest when it came to interpreting or understanding their meaning. "Well then I hope you can help me understand because what I saw hit me like a punch in the gut. I care about you Gillian. Seeing those things on your face, especially the fear and the shame… I'm not gonna lie, it scared me." She was looking at him like she was more concerned with what he just shared with her than she was for what she had been showing him.

"Oh Cal." He was scared. She could see it on his face. "You don't need to be-"

"No Gillian. Don't say I don't need to be concerned!" He was shaking his head at her. "How many times have you seen things on my face and come to 'check in' with me? To needle my brain and spin your magic psycho stuff to get me to talk to you?"

"Cal!" She wanted to be angry at him for saying that. But it was true. She knew it.

"You're a master at deflection. Always keeping the focus on me. Damn, you're good. I definitely haven't given you the proper credit." He was trying to lighten things, maybe get her to relax just a little. "All these years you have been a rock for me. Let me be that for you."

"You are that for me. Don't you see?" Gillian relaxed her legs and they crossed 'Indian style' in front of her. Her hands were now in her lap. "Is that what this is about? You feel like you haven't helped me enough or protected me enough? Because, if you helped or protected me any more I'd be encased in bubble wrap and never allowed to leave the office."

"No. That's not what this is about. I protect you because I care about you." He stared at her and stayed quiet until she made eye contact with him again. "I'm concerned because I've never seen on your face what I saw during that interview. I've seen you afraid, angry, scared, and even a tad guilty." He paused here to let that sink in. "But the fear I saw on your face and the shame that followed." He paused again. "What happened, Gillian? Who hurt you?"

"Cal. Look it's not what you think. It was a long time ago. I've dealt with it." Gillian was keeping her voice calm. Maybe if she could get him to see that it wasn't something that bothered her anymore he would be satisfied and let it go.

Cal hated to do it but he had to. He had to know what was going on with her, what she'd kept hidden all this time. "If you've dealt with it then it won't be as hard for you to share it with me."

"That's not true, Cal. You should know that no matter how hard you work on something or how much you think you've dealt with it, disclosure is never easy." Gillian wished she could turn back the clock and say no to dinner.

"Help me understand Gillian, please." He leaned forward slowly. He wanted to take her hand and comfort her somehow but he was afraid she would react badly, so he settled for leaning closer.

"I want to Cal, I do. I want to be honest with you…" Gillian could feel herself tensing up. _'Why is this so hard? Just say it Gillian. Just put it out there.'_ As much as she tried, the words wouldn't come. She felt like someone was squeezing her throat, not letting her speak.

Cal could see she was struggling. He wanted so badly to help. "Do you want me to ask? Would that be easier?"

Gillian closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The words still wouldn't come. She shook her head at Cal. She should be able to do this. She didn't want him grilling her like some suspect even though she knew he would be gentle. She was stronger than this. _'Why is this so difficult?' _She opened her eyes and looked around. She needed to ground herself. She concentrated on the feel of her back against the couch, squeezed her knees with her hands. She looked up at Cal. He was sitting patiently, waiting for her to do what she needed to.

Cal could see how uncomfortable she was. It was odd though. She seemed okay for the most part, just having trouble opening up. She looked up at him. He offered her a reassuring smile and he saw her expression soften. He took a chance and slowly reached his hand out, palm up, and laid it on the couch. Close enough for her to take if she wanted to but far enough away to offer support if she didn't.

Gillian looked at his hand and then, surprising even herself, she reached out and grasped it in hers. It felt good to have the support. She immediately felt grounded. She took a deep breath. "The reason this is so hard, Cal, is because it has been locked away for so long." She looked at their hands clasped together. "I AM at peace with it. I worked through it and I was stronger because of it. I need you to understand that. Can you?" She looked at him waiting for a response.

Cal wasn't sure he understood how exactly she had supposedly worked through it when it obviously still affected her so much. But he knew she needed him to accept what she was saying. "I'll try darling. I promise."

"Okay." _'Here we go. Don't let me regret this.'_ "You know my Dad was an alcoholic, right?" She looked at Cal and he nodded his head. She looked back at their joined hands. "He wasn't a very nice drunk. Nor was he very appropriate." She looked away from Cal then. She found something interesting on his book shelf to focus on.

Cal saw the shame clear as day. "What are you saying Gill?" He used his thumb and drew tiny circles on the back of her hand.

Gillian felt the tears threatening. She turned her head further away as she willed herself to stay calm. She had just told him she wouldn't fall apart. Now look at her. "I'm saying… I'm saying my father abused me, Cal. That's what I'm saying." As she said that she tried to pull her hand away from him but he wouldn't let it go.

He held tight to her hand. He wouldn't let her retreat into herself. "Are you saying your Dad knocked you around? As in, hit you?"

"Among other things. Yes." _'Oh God. Why am I doing this? I should have just refused to talk to him!'_

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**Just a reminder… this fic will move slow and is very thick with dialogue. Sorry if that isn't your cup of tea. And I'm sorry if I don't have the characters spot on. This is just my take on how it would go.**

Cal was glad her eyes were closed; that she wasn't looking at him. He knew his face was horror stricken at the moment. Gillian didn't need to see that. He continued holding her hand even though it had gone limp. He recognized that she was dissociating. How could she say she was at peace with this? How could anyone EVER be at peace with it?

"Love?" He squeezed her hand. She didn't respond. She was sitting so still it was almost like she wasn't breathing. _'Oh no Gill. Don't pull away from me now.' _He squeezed her hand again, a little harder this time. "Gillian?"

Gillian felt herself being pulled back. She recognized that she was dissociating. _'I'm not going there. I'm not going there. Open your eyes Gillian!' _She felt pressure on her hand. She drew in a quick breath and opened her eyes. She took a few shallow breaths.

Cal saw it when she bounced back. "Hey?" He leaned toward her trying to get a look at her face. "You with me?"

Gillian nodded her head. "Yes. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry Gill. You have no reason to be." Cal felt miserable. Why did he always have to push her so hard?

She squeezed his hand and then pulled hers away. She looked down, folded both hands in her lap and braced for what she thought was coming next; the questions.

Cal wasn't really sure what to do. He knew he needed to show her that he didn't feel any differently about her, the shame on her face was proof of that. But who was he kidding? He did feel differently about her. He felt like he wanted to scoop her up and take care of her. Make all her pain go away. If her father wasn't all ready dead he would want to kill him! He schooled his face and he tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn't look at him. "Can you look at me Gill?"

"No!" She shook her head and closed her eyes again. "I'm sorry… I just, I just need a few minutes okay? Please?" She was doing what she could to calm herself down. It had been years since she had spoken of this with anyone. Sure she had her moments where something would trigger her, but she just took the time she needed to get her perspective back and let the emotions go. But this was different. She hadn't shared this information with anyone since she had explained to Alec why she didn't want her father to walk her down the aisle at their wedding. Even then she hadn't shared everything. Alec knew she had suffered abuse but he didn't know what sort or just how much. He had never pushed for details and she had never volunteered them.

"Okay. Okay." He backed off a little, but didn't move away. "I'm here when you're ready. Not going anywhere."

Gillian took a few deep breaths while she rubbed her hands together. Without looking at Cal, she spoke. "I know it might not look like it Cal, but I really am okay."

"You're right love. It doesn't look like you're okay." He paused for a second and then added "but I trust you to do what you need to do. And I'll be waiting right here whenever you're ready."

Gillian nodded her head. After a few minutes she wiped under her eyes, even though only a few tears had fallen, she wanted them gone before she looked up at him. "It's been 15 years since I spoke about this. It was harder than I expected."

"Of course it's hard Gill. I couldn't imagine it would ever be easy. I'm sorry for pushing you…" Cal didn't know what to say.

"No Cal, don't." She tentatively looked toward him but didn't meet his eyes. "I'm actually surprised I was able to keep it under wraps for so long."

"Me too." Cal thought for a minute. "How did you? Keep it from me for so long Gill? How could I miss something that huge?"

"I guess we never dealt with anything that would have given it way until now." Gillian thought for a moment. "The only time it really became an issue was after Jenkins. I guess it was easy to hide it then because you assumed it was stress over my being attacked." Gillian felt a little calmer now. She looked at him. She searched his face trying to see if anything had changed, if he would look at her differently.

Cal knew what she was doing. She was searching his face to see if he thought less of her. No way would she see that. If anything, he thought more of her. How incredibly strong she must be to have dealt with that. He was hoping she could see that on his face. He let her look and he made sure he didn't show her any pity. "I'll do or be whatever you need love."

"I don't need anything Cal. I'm fine. I worked through this a long time ago." Gillian was shaking her head at him.

"You say that darling, but I saw your face. That was raw Gill. The emotions that I saw…" Cal reached out for her but she dodged his hand.

"That's not fair Cal. We both know that past traumas don't go away. You reacted to this case too."

"Yeah but, you know about my stuff! You're checking in and making sure I'm okay! How can I check in with you if I don't know there is a problem?" Cal stood up. He wasn't sure what to do. He felt bad for raising his voice at her. '_How can she say she is fine?'_

"I'm fine Cal! I have all ready worked through this stuff!" Gillian stood up and faced him, her voice raising an octave; keeping up with his. "The only reason it's coming up is because you saw something flash on my face and, as usual, you can't let it go!"

"No, I can't! I can see that it bothers you! How am I supposed to ignore that?" Cal was looking at her with his arms out wide, waiting for her to answer.

**TBC**

**Happy Leap Year!**


	9. Chapter 9

Gillian's voice came out weaker now. "I don't know Cal. I know I could ask all day long, but at this point you will never ignore it." Gillian sat back down looking defeated. "And I don't know how I'll deal with that."

Cal stood looking down at her. He had no idea what to do or say. She couldn't ask him to ignore it, could she? Should he ignore it if that's what she asks of him? He did say he would do or be whatever she needed. "Love, I don't want to hurt you. I want to do whatever you need, but I'm sorry. Ignoring it cannot be among those options." He sat down next to her, so close their knees were touching. He was happy to see that she didn't flinch or pull away from him.

"I just want you to treat me like you always have. One of the reasons I never said anything to anyone here is because I knew everyone would look at me differently; as if I was weak or damaged somehow." Gillian looked over at him, gauging his reaction.

"Gillian. You are not damaged goods." Cal meant what he was saying and he hoped it showed.

She looked away. "I know I'm not 'damaged goods.' Maybe damaged is the wrong word." She thought for a second. "Fragile. I never want to be seen as fragile. As someone who needs to be coddled or handled with kid gloves." She looked back at him. "That is how you'll see me now, right? I know you Cal. You go out of your way to protect me and to shield me from things all ready. Armed with this knowledge, you'll never let me work another case." She shook her head and looked down at her hands in her lap.

"Give me some credit here, please. I know I protect you, I do. But it's because I care so much about you and you mean so much to me." Cal paused, waiting for her to look back up. When she didn't he continued. "You are one of the strongest people I know. This doesn't change that."

Gillian nodded her head. "Thank you."

"The only thing that's different is that I know about it, I mean sort of. I know something happened with your Dad. And I know it was awful, and I know you overcame it somehow and went on." Cal tentatively reached over and took her hand. "I'll listen if you want to talk. I'll sit here all night and hold your hand. I'll change the subject if that's what you need. But, I can't promise not to ever bring it up. Now that I know about it… I'll want to check in with you about it like you do with me about my mum."

Gillian allowed him to take her hand. She understood what he was saying. He was letting her know that she could share as much or as little as she wanted and that he would even stop talking about it, but he wouldn't forget. That meant, he would bring it up again. If there is one thing she's learned in all these years of working with him, it's that he, for whatever reason, feels the need to be 'in the know' about all things Gillian Foster. She responded without looking at him. "I don't want to share details with you Cal. I can't, I won't do that."

"I would never ask that of you Gillian. What happened is not important. How you dealt with it, how you still deal with it, that's what I want to know." He squeezed her hand and she looked at him. "I want to know how I can help. What can I do to make you feel safe?"

Gillian felt her eyes moistening. No one had ever asked her that. In her life the few people that knew, never asked how they could help her, make her feel safe. It was always about teaching her to take care of herself, helping her to stand and be strong. Preparing her to handle whatever came along. She never wanted rescuing, still didn't. But no one had ever said they would stand with her, not like this. She had therapists who helped. They all had her prepare 'safety plans.' Most of those plans were about not harming herself, which she had been prone to doing for a while. But no one ever asked what they could do to make her feel safe.

"Gill?" Cal was a little concerned. She seemed to have spaced out on him.

Gillian snapped back and looked at him. "No one has ever asked me that. I don't know how to answer you."

**TBC**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the wait… **

Cal thought for a moment and then with a soft voice asked, "No one ever tried to make you feel safe? Did you go to therapy? Talk to anyone about it?" It was not abnormal for someone to go into the psychology field to learn how to handle their own issues. Hell, he had started his whole life's work because of his mother's suicide. But, he hoped Gillian hadn't dealt with this all on her own.

"I did go to therapy. For several years." Gillian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Therapists did help me. I had advice and safety plans, but the only person who knew what happened to me outside of a therapists office was my college roommate."

"You never told anyone else?" Cal couldn't help the sick feeling in his stomach thinking about Gillian as a young girl dealing with something so horrendous all on her own.

"Not until I was in college. No." Gillian looked down and away before she could stop herself.

"What was that?" Cal recognized the shame on her face. "Shame. For what Gill? Because you didn't tell anyone?"

"Yes, I mean-no. I… I mean, ugh." Gillian's knees came up in front of her again and she leaned her head down on them.

"I know I'm preachin' to the choir love, and I know you know this, but that isn't uncommon. Lots of victims never say anything."

Gillian's head flew up at his use of the word victim. "Don't Cal. Don't call me a victim, okay? I spent too many years getting past that, I'm not going back." She was shaking her head.

Cal nodded his head at her. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Gillian lowered her head back down to her knees. The room was quiet for several moments. Cal heard Gillian sigh. "I'm sorry Cal." She slowly raised her head and looked at him. "I'll explain. I just need to gather my thoughts for a bit."

Cal jumped up off the couch, startling her in the process. "Sorry love! I'm gonna grab another scotch. Want one?"

Gillian smiled slightly, knowing that he was giving her time to collect herself. She looked at her now empty wine glass. "Actually, yes. I will have one." _'A little liquid courage might be just what I need.'_

Cal returned a few minutes later with a glass of scotch for each of them. He handed hers to her and then took his spot back on the other end of the couch.

Gillian took a long pull from her glass and then reached over and set it down on the coffee table. She sat back and faced forward on the couch, which left Cal staring at her profile. Her knees curled back up in front of her and she hugged them to herself. "I want to tell you what happened Cal, but…" Gillian gave him a sideways glance.

"You don't have to do this, love."

"No, I want to, I'm just not sure how much I can share." She had her head back on her knees.

"Whatever you're comfortable with…" Cal wanted to scoot next to her and put his arm around her but based on the way she had angled away from him and cut herself off, he figured she was trying to maintain her boundaries and he intended to respect that.

Gillian raised her head but didn't look at Cal. "It started when I was ten. By the time I was thirteen, I realized I didn't have a way out. I can remember standing in my room and thinking to myself 'just get through this. When you get out you can get the help you need and you won't have to come back.'" She was staring in front of her with a glassy look in her eyes. She took a deep breath. "My parents separated at the end of my senior year in high school. My father was a wreck; threatened to kill himself, stopped eating, drank more-if you can believe that. My mother moved out and my father stood in the hallway crying and begging me not to go. I stayed." Gillian's face showed contempt.

Cal could only imagine that it was directed inward. "You felt responsible for your Dad; afraid he would kill himself and you couldn't live with that." It wasn't a question. Cal knew her well enough to guess that would be her reaction.

"Yes, until that fall when I left for college. I was so happy to be out of that house. My father was still a mess and my family was angry at me for leaving him. I think they were mostly mad because he wasn't leaning on me anymore and was calling them instead." Gillian lowered her knees and sat Indian style. She grabbed a pillow and pulled it into her lap.

Cal wondered if she was even aware of her movements; how she was now, in essence, hiding behind the pillow. Cal remained quiet.

"I did okay my first year in school. I was depressed and stressed which was obvious because I lost the 'Freshman 15' instead of gaining it. I never seemed to have an appetite." Gillian went on. The more she talked the easier it seemed to be. "My father sold the house while I was away at school. He bought another place and my mother moved into an apartment." She reached forward and grabbed her glass. She took a swallow of the scotch and put the glass back on the table. "I moved in with my mother. She only had one bedroom so I actually lived on a mattress that we threw on the floor behind the couch in the living room." Gillian smirked obviously remembering that time. "My father was so mad at me. He had decorated a room for me in his new house. He wanted me to stay there." She laughed sarcastically shaking her head. "There was no way I was moving back under the same roof with him; especially not again without my mother there. She never helped me and claimed not to know that there was ever anything going on. But, she also said she left when she did because I would be going away to school and she couldn't stomach living there under the same roof with him without me there to buffer."

Cal didn't know what to say. This was all information that was shocking to him. No wonder she understood the issues he had around his mother's suicide. _'Her father had been suicidal. And her mother…' _Cal could feel his anger brewing low in his stomach.

Gillian shook her head and looked down at the pillow she was holding and then looked up at him. "I'm sorry Cal. I'm just going on and on…"

"No love. I'm listening. No apologies, please. I'm just beyond grateful that you're sharing with me." Cal was extremely happy to have the _very private_ Gillian Foster readily giving out such personal information. He felt honored that she trusted him enough to tell him all that she was.

Gillian looked over at Cal and gave him a hesitant smile. "Thanks Cal."

"No thanks necessary." Cal eased toward her. He wanted to put his arm around her but he was hesitant to. Gillian suddenly leaned toward him. He raised his arm and she settled in beside him. He squeezed her shoulders and kissed the side of her head. "Want to take a break love?"

"No. I'm okay. I can keep going." Gillian snuggled in closer to him.

**TBC**


	11. Chapter 11

Gillian was surprised at how comfortable she felt snuggled against Cal with his arm around her. It gave her strength in a way she wasn't expecting. It seemed almost natural to be there with him sharing all this old information that she had sworn she would never speak of again. "The summer went really fast. I worked two jobs to save up for my tuition so I didn't have too much time to be able to see my Dad." Gillian played with her bracelet as she spoke. "I went back to school in the fall. I felt fine at first. My classes were great. My roommate and I rented an apartment just off campus. I found a job not far from my place. Everything was going great."

Cal sensed a 'but' in there. Gillian got quiet. He was just about to lean down and see if she was okay when she started talking again.

"I took this 'Sociology of Sexuality' class. It wasn't the class I wanted, but that class was full and I needed a certain number of Sociology credits so I could double major." Gillian paused and took a deep breath. "I wasn't sure what I expected from this class, but it certainly wasn't what I got. Even I will admit I might have been a bit naïve, but this professor had us watching movies on female ejaculation and geriatric fornication. It was unbelievable!" She was chuckling as she spoke about the class.

Cal couldn't help laughing at what she was saying. He could imagine a young, idealistic Gillian Foster sitting in this class with a mortified look on her face. "A professor that played porn for the class? I obviously went to the wrong university!"

They were both laughing. Gillian looked up at him with a wrinkled nose. "Even you would have been puzzled by some of the things she showed; all in the name of educating us."

Once the laughter had subsided, Gillian went back into serious mode. "She gave us an assignment that we were to complete anonymously. She worked it out so that we were assigned a number and she would be able to credit us for doing the work without ever realizing who we were." She got quiet again, obviously lost in thought.

Cal gave her shoulders a squeeze. "Love? You okay?"

Gillian took in a deep breath and nodded her head. "Yeah. It's just been such a long time since I thought about any of this. It seems so long ago and yet when I talk about it, it's like it happened yesterday." She got quiet again.

Cal felt bad for her. "You don't have to keep going Gill. You can stop."

"No. I'm okay." She shifted a little next to him. "The assignment was to talk about your first sexual experience and how it made you feel. We had three weeks to work on it. It took me the first two to figure out what I would say. I planned to lie and talk about the first time I had sex with my boyfriend in High School, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to be honest. I'm not really sure why. I think I needed to put it out there even though the professor would have no idea it was me. I thought, in some crazy way, sharing it with someone would take some pressure off keeping the secret." She shook her head.

"That's understandable." Cal could tell she was chastising herself for having thought that. "I guess it didn't help?"

Gillian groaned and shook her whole body. "Hardly. In fact, it did just the opposite." She started to curl herself away from him and he gripped her shoulders and squeezed reassuringly. She settled back against him. "The professor decided to give feedback on the papers. She read out the number that corresponded to the paper and gave her comment. When she read my number, I held my breath. I was thinking she would say 'get counseling' or 'confide in someone'…"

Cal waited for her to continue and when she didn't, he decided to push a little. He softly asked "What did she say love?"

Gillian laughed humorlessly. "She said 'he's your father. Let it go. Forgive and forget'." She curled her knees up and rested her chin on them but she didn't pull away from Cal.

Cal was glad she hadn't pulled away. He couldn't believe the nerve of that professor to say such a thing. "Are you kidding me? 'Forgive and forget'? Bleeding idiot!"

"Yeah, right?" Gillian shook her head again. "Well. I decided to take that advice. I stopped letting myself think about it. I stopped writing in my journal, gearing my class projects around child abuse issues… I turned to numbing myself instead. I drank, a lot. I even smoked marijuana; quite a few times. Go figure huh? The daughter of an alcoholic turning to substance abuse, imagine that." She hugged her knees closer. "I got disgusted with myself. And I stopped all that. But then…" Her shoulders slumped and she buried her face.

Cal was reading shame in her posture. It was screaming at him. He felt so angry for her. It was quiet for a long time. He finally asked "Do you want to stop love?" Gillian shook her head but didn't raise it up. "Okay." He rubbed her shoulder softly and prompted her gently "What happened?"

She raised her face enough to rest her chin on her knee. "I hit a brick wall. Life overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do."

Cal could hear her voice cracking. He wanted to tell her to stop. He could see that talking about this was upsetting her, but he clamped his mouth shut. Instead he continued rubbing her shoulder gently.

"I had a habit of injuring myself as a teenager. I didn't understand it then like I do now. I always did it so no one could see it. I wasn't a cutter, nothing like that. But, I would pinch myself until I bruised or shove pins under my finger nails. Just enough physical pain to take the edge off." She shivered a little bit. "But after that professor said forgive and forget and I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do that… I felt stupid and so ashamed of how weak I must be to not be able to let go of this." She didn't want to tell him what happened next. She knew what he would think and she was afraid of how he would react. She went to pull away again, but he held on tight and she couldn't move.

Cal had both arms around her now. He spoke softly in her ear "What happened love?"

Gillian took in a ragged breath. She was doing her best not to cry. "My roommate came home and found me curled up in the corner of my room with a pair of scissors. She thought I was trying to kill myself… but…"

She was shaking now and Cal held her tighter. "Were you Gill? Were you trying to kill yourself?"

**TBC**

**I hope this isn't getting to be too much… I'm feeling a little uneasy about it. It's getting harder and harder to write.**

**I'm also a little worried that I'm not keeping them in character.**


	12. Chapter 12

"_Were you trying to kill yourself?"_

Gillian couldn't say she honestly wasn't but she didn't really want to tell Cal that she might have been either. "I… I'm not… I don't think I consciously was." Gillian was trying to find the words to explain, but they weren't coming easily. "But… I can't… I can't say that I wasn't." Gillian could feel the shame settling in her bones. She never wanted him to know that she had gone through a phase in her life where she thought she might want to die.

She said those last words so quietly Cal barely heard her. Her head was lowered in shame. Cal wasn't sure what to do. He felt panicked. He told himself over and over that this was old stuff and it wasn't who Gillian was now. He could feel himself holding on to her tighter. He had never seen anything in her that told him she had ever been in that dark place. He thought about his mother; the agony he saw on her face in that video. He got a mental image of Gillian's face with the same agony. He felt his stomach turn. He told himself several more times that she was here, she was okay, and she wasn't suicidal _now_. He needed to see her face, even though it wouldn't be showing agony; he needed to see it to quiet his own mind. "Gillian." He spoke softly as if she might run if he said her name too loudly. She didn't respond. "Gillian. Look at me."

Gillian shook her head. She knew she should look at him; knew what he needed to see. But she was so ashamed for him to know this about her; to know that she had ever been there.

"Gillian, please." Cal touched her cheek gently with his fingers.

Slowly, she turned to look at him. She didn't hide her feelings. He could see shame and fear. What he didn't see was agony. He felt such tremendous relief. He had to make sure she knew he didn't think any less of her now that she had shared this information. "Please love. Don't be ashamed. And don't be afraid that I'll judge you, cause I won't."

Gillian looked into his eyes. She was pretty sure he was afraid of what he might see and she wanted him to know for sure that she was no longer the tortured soul she had been years ago. "I'm not that girl any more Cal."

"I know you're not." He was suddenly overflowing with pride and admiration for her. She had come back from a dark place he never knew she'd been. She truly was the strongest person he'd ever known.

Gillian nodded her head at him. She got the message. He didn't see her as weak. She couldn't have handled seeing pity from him. "Thank you."

Cal just smiled at her and took one of her hands in his. "How did you do it? How did you get past it?"

Gillian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It wasn't easy." She turned and leaned against him again. "My roommate freaked out. She threatened to call an ambulance and my parents. I begged her not to and I promised I would go to the counseling center the next day. She sat with me all night and drove me to the center in the morning. She sat there the whole time I was in the counselor's office."

"Thank God for that. I'm so glad someone was there for you love." Cal couldn't help thinking if he ever met this old roommate he would give her the biggest hug he could muster.

"I was lucky. She saved my life Cal." Gillian thought back fondly on her roommate and how she had been such a rock for her. Gillian suddenly felt very tired. She leaned up and looked at the clock on the DVR. It was only just after 8:00. She yawned. "Wow. How lame am I? Its 8:00 on a Friday evening and I'm yawning."

"Take it easy on yourself love. We've been havin' an emotional conversation. You're understandably knackered." Cal was trying to come up with reasons in his mind that she should stay at his place instead of driving home to her house tonight.

"I should probably get going Cal." She went to stand up.

He grabbed her wrist before she could get one step away from him. "Nah. We haven't had dessert yet." He smiled at her. He saw the wheels turning in her head. He knew there was no way she could refuse fresh baked, chocolate cake.

Gillian's eyes got wide. "Oh. How could I forget dessert?" She smiled at him. "Okay. You win. I'll stay for dessert."

Cal jumped up, grabbed her arm, and dragged her into the kitchen. He took both her arms and shoved her down onto one of the stools at the kitchen island. "Sit right there. I'll cut the cake."

Once they had plates of chocolate cake, with chocolate chip ice cream added on Gillian's, they headed back into the living room. Cal pulled the DVD cabinet open. He selected a romantic comedy he knew Gillian couldn't refuse.

Gillian gave him a knowing glare. "Are you trying to keep me here longer?"

"It's only 8:30 on a Friday. Come on love, you'll be home before 11:00!"

She shook her head and smiled at him.

* * *

By 9:30, they had finished their dessert and Gillian had fallen asleep on the couch. Cal used the remote and turned off the movie. He then sat for a long time watching her. She looked so peaceful. He couldn't believe everything she had shared with him. He had no idea she had been through so much in her life. There was no way he was letting her go home tonight. He knew she was okay after their talk, but he needed her here with him, for his piece of mind. He stood up slowly, so as not to disturb her, and grabbed the blanket off the end of the couch. He unfolded it and laid it over her. She didn't move. He knew she was emotionally exhausted and would probably sleep through the night, but if she woke up, he didn't want her to leave. Before turning off the lights and going upstairs, he grabbed her keys and her boots, just in case. He hoped they could continue their talk tomorrow after he made her a hearty breakfast.

**TBC**

**Hell might be freezing over-I just posted 2 days in a row. Don't get used to it ;)**

**Thanks for the support on this one guys. It's much appreciated.**

**April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. **

_**Start By Believing.**_


	13. Chapter 13

**Total fluff. The story needed a break from the seriousness; but it will be back.**

Gillian opened her eyes slowly and was confused for a moment when she didn't recognize her surroundings. She was in a dark room, on a couch and she had a blanket thrown over her. Then it came to her; she was at Cal's. She sat up and looked toward the DVR player. She could see the blue numbers. '_3:37, could he not wake me up?' _She stood up and reached for the lamp on the end table. Once she had the light on she looked around for her boots. Not finding them there, she went to the hall and flipped the light switch there. They weren't by the door either. Becoming frustrated she muttered to herself "Cal… where are my boots?" She had a feeling in her gut that she wouldn't be able to find them. _'Nice try Cal. I can drive in socks.' _

Gillian then went in search of her purse. She had left it on the table near the door. She couldn't remember if she had put her keys in her purse or dropped them in the pocket of her jacket. She checked both places with no luck. _'Did I leave them on the kitchen island?' _She walked into the kitchen and turned the light on. She checked the island and the counter tops then made her way into the dining room _'just in case.' _No keys. "Damn it Cal!" She walked back through the house turning the lights off as she went.

When she got back to the living room, she looked around again. No boots and no keys. _'Now_ _what?' _She dropped back down on the couch. She didn't want to stay here. She really wanted to go home. She could just call a cab. But her house keys were on her key ring and she got rid of her hide-a-key after the break in last year. _'Ugh.'_

First thing she needed was the bathroom. She made her way to the small powder room that was on the first level. When she was finished, she stood at the bottom of the stairs and debated with herself about whether or not she wanted to sneak into Cal's room to get her keys and boots. But what if she woke him up? _'That would be awkward.' _She took a deep breath. It was now going on 4:00. _'I'll wait until its light outside so I can see easier. Then I'll go get my keys and my boots.'_

Gillian grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. Her intent was to stay awake until she could go get her stuff and then drive home. She grabbed the blanket and moved to the recliner. She would be less likely to fall back to sleep if she was sitting up.

* * *

Cal woke up and stretched. Once he was fully awake, he checked under the edge of the bed to see if Gillian's keys and boots were still there. _'Still there. Good.' _ He glanced at his clock; 7:23. He wondered if Gillian was still asleep. He got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and then came back into his room. After shedding his pajama bottoms, he put on some sweats and a fresh T-shirt.

Cal made his way down the stairs quietly. He could hear the TV playing. _'So, she's awake. Hopefully she's not completely pissed with me.' _He made his way to the living room and peeked around the corner at her. She had moved to the recliner and was now asleep sitting up. She had dropped the remote on the floor. _'Perfect.'_

Cal left her sleeping and made his way to the kitchen to start breakfast. With any luck, she would stay asleep until he could get some food ready.

* * *

Gillian was woken by her stomach growling. The first thing she noticed was that it was light outside. The second thing she noticed was the wonderful smell coming from the kitchen. She glanced over at the clock; 8:06. She must have been more tired than she thought. She stood up from the recliner and folded the blanket she had been using. She placed it on the back of the couch as she walked by and then headed into the kitchen.

Cal heard her walk in behind him. He looked over his shoulder at her "Good morning love. I hope you're hungry."

Gillian wanted to be mad at him for not waking her up and then hiding her keys and her boots from her. But somehow, seeing him busy in his kitchen preparing her a breakfast feast made keeping that level of anger difficult. She smiled at him. As she got closer she said "Are you doing all this to keep me from being mad at you?"

"Well, that depends." Cal turned back around so she wouldn't see the smile on his face even though he knew she would hear it in his voice.

Gillian leaned her back against the counter so she would be facing him. "On what?"

"On whether or not it's working." He grinned at her now.

"I should be mad at you Dr. Lightman." Gillian folded her arms in front of her and looked at him intently. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You just looked so comfortable I didn't want to disturb you." Cal turned and removed a pancake from the griddle and flipped the bacon. "Besides, Emily isn't here and _I_ didn't mind you sleeping on my couch."

"Cal…" She took a deep breath and let it out. "You hid my keys and my boots! Why did you do that?"

"Cause I didn't want you to leave. I wanted to make a big, fancy breakfast for you." He smiled and then ushered her to one of the stools at the kitchen island. "Eat your pancakes before they get cold."

Gillian shook her head at him but had to smile when she saw the plate he set in front of her. It was chocolate chip pancakes topped with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. "Oh my God, Cal. This looks wonderful!"

"I knew I couldn't go wrong with chocolate, strawberries and whipped cream." He then put some bacon on a small plate next to her, got her a cup of coffee and some orange juice.

"You have all this stuff just sitting around your kitchen?" Gillian tilted her head at him and waited for him to answer. It was obvious he had planned this breakfast.

"Nope. I got it at the store when I went last night." Cal decided to take the honest approach since he figured she was expecting him to fib.

"How did you know I was going to be here for breakfast?" Gillian narrowed her eyes at him.

"I didn't know for sure, see, but I was hoping I could talk you into staying. You just made it very easy for me by falling asleep." Cal crossed him arms and gave her a smug smile.

Gillian shook her head at him. "You are just lucky I'm so hungry." She took a bite of the pancake. "Mmmmm." She chewed and swallowed. "And that you made my breakfast with chocolate in it."

Cal laughed. "Somehow, I knew you'd be okay with the breakfast."

Once they both finished eating and Gillian had helped him clean up the kitchen, she folded the dish towel and walked toward the front door. "Thank you for breakfast Cal. I should get going."

"Why don't you stay?" Cal walked toward her with a tender look on his face. "We can relax and maybe finish our conversation from last night."

Gillian sighed loudly. "Cal." She said his name very drawn out. "I want a shower and a toothbrush!"

"Funny, I have both of those things." He took both her hands in his. "Emily is gone all weekend. I want to spend the weekend with my best friend." He saw the look of concern on her face and the slightest flash of fear. "Please Gill?"

**TBC**


	14. Chapter 14

"I really should go home Cal." Gillian turned toward her coat and then remembered he still hadn't given her back her boots or keys. She turned back around with her hands on her hips. "Where are they?"

Cal shrugged his shoulders and turned to walk into the living room "I'm sure I don't know what you're on about!"

Gillian stalked after him. "Cal Lightman! You give me back my boots and my keys!"

Cal flopped down on his couch, propped his feet up and put his hand behind his head. "Later. Right now I'm gonna relax on this couch."

Gillian was feeling slightly furious with him. "Cal! You can't just keep me here!"

Cal studied her closely. "What are you afraid of Gill?"

Gillian stared at him with confusion all over her face. "What?"

"When I asked you to stay, you showed fear. Why?" Cal sat up straight and looked her in the eye waiting for her answer.

Gillian threw her arms up, looked at the ceiling, and shook her head.

"I don't think any differently of you than I did before we talked last night." Cal continued looking at her. She made eye contact with him and was watching his face. "Okay, so that's a lie, right. I do think differently of you. I think you are even stronger than I ever thought before, and I thought you were one of the strongest people I knew before so you can just imagine-"

"Cal? You're rambling." Gillian's shoulders relaxed. She came around the coffee table and sat on the opposite end of the couch. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Gillian finally looked at him and saw his eyes trained on her face. "What do you want from me Cal?"

"I don't want anything from you love. I just want to have you near me." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Gill. You know so much about me and I used to think I knew a lot about you. But, I'm realizing that I don't." He paused for a moment. "And I want to."

Gillian smirked. "You do realize that just because you want to know everything about me, doesn't mean I want to tell you everything there is to know, right?"

Cal nodded his head "Yes. I realize that. I'm just hoping that you're willing to share with me whatever you're comfortable sharing." He turned toward her and scooted closer. "You know that I'm very protective of you-"

"Really?" Gillian smiled at him "I hadn't noticed." They both shared a little chuckle.

"I just want to tell you love, you are one of the most important people in the world to me. Last night when you were talking, it took everything in me not to scoop you up and hold you tight." Cal looked her in the eyes "You have always helped me so much with everything and I just want to be able to return the favor."

Gillian looked away from him "I understand. I really do." She paused for a second "But this isn't new for me Cal. I don't need to be protected from it. I've dealt with it."

Cal thought before he responded. "I know you've dealt with it. But, I dealt with my mother's suicide too. And it still gets to me sometimes." He scooted even closer to her. "I want to be able to be there for you the way you always are for me. I feel like there is so much you've kept hidden down inside yourself…"

"I never meant to hide anything in my past from you. It just never came up and it's not something that you just throw out there in everyday conversation." Gillian was almost feeling defensive.

Cal jumped on that quickly "No love. That's not what I'm trying to say. I don't mean to say that you purposely hid this from me. I just mean you've been carrying it around all this time and I'm offering to share the burden."

"Cal. I appreciate that. I really do. But it isn't a burden for me anymore. I worked through it."

Cal studied her face for a moment. "I know you worked on it love. But, I saw so much pain on your face last night…" He paused to watch her reaction to what he was saying. She honestly looked surprised that he saw pain on her face. "Yeah, pain. If I can lessen that for you, I want to."

Gillian was taken aback by what came out of his mouth. _'Pain? But I worked through it, for so long. I'm fine, damn it! I'm fine!' _"The pain was probably because I was putting it out there. I was letting you in-"

"No, Gillian. That wasn't where the pain was coming from. You felt relief after you let it out. You've been carrying this around for so long. You never let anyone truly help you, did you?" Cal watched her face contort in anger. "That's it love. Get mad. You never got mad did you?" He knew he was pushing this but he sensed she was barely controlling her emotions and he had been guessing at the core feeling. Anger.

Gillian could feel the heat building inside as he pushed her. She knew what he was doing and she was trying hard not to react.

Cal could see she was trying really hard to hold it together. He felt terrible for what he was about to do but that didn't stop him. "Wasn't proper for you to get mad yeah? Not you. You're always in control. Didn't need to be angry right? Just minimized it, justified the behavior. That made it easier right? Probably still take a lot of the blame too don't ya?"

Gillian was off the couch before she realized what she was doing. "Stop it Cal! Stop it!" She went around the coffee table and toward the door.

He jumped up quickly and grabbed her arm. She turned and glared at him. She tried to pull her arm away but he wouldn't let it go.

"Let go of me!" She yanked harder but he wouldn't loosen his grip. "I'm going home! Let go!"

"Can't do that love." He reached and grabbed her other arm. He was standing behind her now, one hand holding her right wrist and the other grabbing just above her left elbow. He held on tight.

Gillian felt him grab her other arm and she twisted to get away. He wouldn't let go. She could feel her emotions getting away from her. "Cal! Let go! Let me go!"

Cal said nothing. He just let her pull and twist as hard as she could until he felt her break. Her arms went limp and she collapsed to her knees. She folded over and Cal let her arms go as she leaned forward. She was crying hard now. He tried to fold her into his arms and she jerked away. He tried again and she turned on him.

She screamed and pushed at his chest. "Get away!"

He went toward her again. He could see the anger in her face. "Come on love! I'm not going away!" He grabbed for her again.

"Stop it!" Gillian swung her arms at him. "Stop it!"

Cal grabbed her in a bear hug. He felt her jerking and pushing against him. She was sobbing and after struggling with him for a few moments, she folded in on her self again.

"I've got you love. You're okay." Her sobbing slowed and she reached her arms around him and clung to him. They sat like that for a long while. Cal holding her and her clinging to him while she cried tears she didn't realize she'd been holding on to.

**TBC**


	15. Chapter 15

Cal sat on the floor with Gillian clinging on to him until he felt the sobs subside. He realized how good it felt to hold her in his arms. He was hoping she would stay put for a little bit. She had relaxed against him for a few moments when he suddenly felt her tense up. He knew she would be embarrassed about falling apart like that in front of him.

Gillian felt so tired. All this emotional upheaval was exhausting. _'I'm so embarrassed. How am I going to get out of this?' _She slowly released her grip and pushed away from Cal.

He felt her pull her away and he grabbed her upper arms to hold her still. "Don't Gill. Don't be embarrassed."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "How can I not be?" She shrugged away from him and pushed herself up to stand. "I really need to go now, Cal." She was backing toward the door to the living room.

Cal didn't want her to go. He could tell she was still upset and he wanted her to stay, at least until she calmed down. "I'm sorry." He did feel bad for pushing her buttons. But he wanted her to let that anger out. As it was, he probably only touched at it. "Gill." He needed her to look at him. "Gill. Talk to me for a few minutes, please? Then if you still want to go I'll give you your keys. Please?"

Gillian let out a sigh. "Seriously, Cal?" She leaned up against the door frame and folded her arms in front of her. "Why are you doing this? Is this a game to you? Why do you have to push like that? I wasn't sharing enough for you?" She paused for just a second. "I'm not one of your suspects in the cube Cal. I don't expect to be treated like that by my best friend."

"I know Gill. I was wrong to do that. I just saw something and I…" Cal held his arms out for a second then let his hands fall to his side. "You're right. I shouldn't have done that."

"No. You shouldn't have." Gillian stared down at her feet. The room was silent for a few moments. "I hate that you're right." She practically whispered the words.

Cal barely heard her. He took a small step toward her "what's that love?" He thought he had heard her say he was right. _'Right about what? The anger, the minimization, the fact that she was blaming herself?'_

"Some of the things you said. You're right." It pissed her off that he could nail her down so easily. "I never acknowledged any anger. I don't know why really. I know it would have been healthy and okay, I just never went there." She slowly looked up at him.

Cal nodded his head at her. "There's no right way to deal with any of that crap. I know you know that. Everybody handles things differently. It's okay to feel whatever you feel, Gill."

"I do know that." Gillian pinched the bridge of her nose. She could feel a headache brewing. That's what crying did for you.

Cal walked back toward the couch. "Can we sit for a little bit love?" He waited for her to respond. When she didn't he added "I promise. No more button pushing."

Gillian looked at him skeptically. "You should be careful making promises you know you can't possibly keep."

"Fair enough." Cal sat down and propped his feet up on the table. "How about I promise to not purposely push any of your buttons?"

Gillian smirked. "So what you already pushed _was_ on purpose then." It was a statement, not a question and he didn't argue it.

"If it makes you feel any better, I knew I was pushing when I did it. I could just see that underlying anger and I talked myself into thinking it would be good for you to get it out." Cal grimaced. "Probably not the best way to handle it, looking back."

"No. Probably not." Gillian slowly walked back to the couch. Before she sat she looked at him with her hands on her hips. "If I'm going to sit here with you, you need to back off. I'm trusting you with information I haven't shared with anyone else in my life that wasn't a therapist. I need my friend right now Cal. Not the deception expert or a shrink. Okay?"

"Understood." Cal took his feet down and turned toward her when she sat down. "If you liked breakfast, wait til you see what I got for dinner tonight."

"Cal." Gillian shook her head at him. "This is not some weekend slumber party. I need to go home at some point."

"You can shower here love. I have some comfy clothes you can borrow and a spare toothbrush." Cal was grinning at her. "I do have a spare room you know. Tonight you can even sleep there."

Gillian laughed out loud. "You really are determined to have me stay here all weekend aren't you?" Cal nodded his head yes. "Why?"

"Things have been strained for us for the past 4 months. Admittedly my fault and I have some making up to do." Cal was being honest. He felt bad about the way he had been acting toward her lately. "And I miss my best friend."

Gillian studied his face. She could see the honesty in what he was saying. "I'm not making any promises here Cal. If I want to go home, I will. Okay?"

Cal held his hands up in surrender. "Okay."

Gillian stood up. "Right now, I'll have a shower."

Cal stood up and smiled. "I'll pull out some clothes for you and grab a spare toothbrush." He took off up the stairs.

Gillian stood there for a minute longer hoping this wasn't a mistake. Then she decided she had trusted him this far and did she really think he wasn't going to push? Probably not. It was his nature. _'I need a hot shower. Then I'll be thinking clearer.' _She slowly crossed the room and headed up the stairs.

**TBC**

**Decided to just get this one done since it was giving me a headache. Not what I had originally planned… Hopefully, now I can concentrate on moving this forward.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Finally. Sorry for the long wait. Life took over and got in the way of me working on this. This is to get me back in the groove. I'm thinking just a few more chapters…**

Gillian stood under the hot water and let it stream down over her head. She couldn't believe she was here, in Cal's shower, after having spent the night on his couch. What was even more incredible was that she had shared so much of herself. She knew she shouldn't be surprised, really. Cal was one the few people in her life that she had ever trusted. It would stand to reason that if this was to ever be revealed outside a therapist's office it would be to him.

Gillian lost track of time but knew she must have been in the shower for quite a while when she felt the water going cold. She turned it off and reached out to grab the towel she had left sitting on the sink. After drying off, she stepped out of the shower, put her hair up in the towel and grabbed the sweats Cal had gotten for her.

She got dressed and towel dried her hair the best she could. She brushed her teeth and stared at herself in the mirror. No make-up, hair damp and curly, and just the slightest amount of redness around her eyes from the crying she had done. _'I would never leave my house looking like this.'_

* * *

Gillian came downstairs and found Cal on the couch with his laptop. Smiling at him she asked "Did you bring work home?"

Cal looked up at her. "Nah. I'm lookin at porn." He then laughed. He closed out what he had been looking at. He didn't need Gillian to know he was looking up any information he could find on child sexual abuse. He felt woefully inadequate to deal with the information she had disclosed to him and he wanted to make sure he didn't do anything to cause her any harm.

Gillian laughed and threw her head back. "I know your porn face. That wasn't it."

Cal laughed with her then. "Feel better love?"

Gillian made her way to the other end of the couch and sat down facing him. "Yes. I do, actually."

"Good." Cal jumped up and went toward the kitchen. "I put on another pot of coffee. You want some?"

Gillian got back up and followed him into the kitchen. "Sure." She sat down on a stool at the island.

Cal poured two cups of coffee and handed her one. Then he turned and grabbed the creamer from the fridge and the sugar bowl from the counter.

Gillian smiled when she realized he had left her enough room in the cup to add her cream and sugar. _'He is being so thoughtful.'_

Cal watched her and knew just what she was thinking. "I did good, huh? Didn't expect me to do that did ya?"

"No. Being that you lecture me daily about ruining my coffee with all the_ junk _I put in it, I didn't." She used the spoon he handed her to stir her coffee.

Cal sat on the stool next to her. "You doin okay today, love?"

Gillian rolled her eyes. "I'm fine Cal. Don't make me regret spilling my guts."

"Easy tiger! I'm just checkin in." Cal took a sip of his coffee and then turned so he was facing her. "You had an emotional night and then a hard morning. I'm not allowed to be concerned?"

Gillian lowered her head and then turned to look up at him "I'm sorry Cal." She looked back at her coffee cup and then took a sip. "I'm doing okay. Better than I thought I would be."

"Good. I'm glad." He brought the cup up to his lips but before taking a drink he said "Thanks Gill. For trusting me enough to share that with me. I'm truly honored. I want you to know that."

Gillian's breath caught in her throat. She felt the heat behind her eyes, and that subtle prickling that indicates tears are forming. She turned to face him. "There is no one else I trust more Cal." She looked him directly in the eye when she said it. They held each other's gaze for a few seconds. Suddenly it felt like the connection was too much and she quickly looked away.

They sat quietly for a few minutes and sipped their coffee. The air was thick, but not awkward. Feeling the need to fill the silence, Cal reached out and grabbed her arm as he stood. "Come on then. Let's go watch a movie."

* * *

After a playful argument about what they would and would not watch, they settled on "The Hunt for Red October." They sat down on the couch at their respective ends. Both were looking at the television but each was only half listening as they entertained their individual thoughts on what had happened so far this weekend.

Gillian was relieved in one sense to have shared her history with someone. She was also still a little wary as to how Cal would treat her after being armed with this new knowledge. She was thankful he had said how strong he thought she was and that he had not reacted with pity or the need to fix her as if she was broken. He was right about the anger and the fact that she had never expressed it. He was also right about the minimizing and blaming herself, although that had been more at the beginning. She had a better sense of things as she got older and went through therapy. She knew it wasn't her fault and she knew she had no way out at the time, but she always wondered _'what if'_… What if she had said something when it was happening? '_No. Don't go there. If you had done anything differently you wouldn't be where you are right now. You wouldn't have this successful career and you wouldn't have your best friend sitting here next to you.' _She always believed everything happened for a reason. She always said she was the culmination of everything she had gone through. While she wished those things had never happened to her, they had helped to make her who she was today. And even though her life had not turned out exactly as she had wanted it, she was happy. Thanks in part to the wonderful man on the other end of this couch.

Cal was watching the movie, but he was also watching her. He could tell she was lost in thought somewhere. She was staring at the TV but she wasn't really 'seeing' it. He couldn't believe everything he had learned about Gillian in the last 24 hours. How had she managed to hide her past so well? He hoped she would be willing to talk more about it. He still wanted to know how she had coped all these years…

**TBC**


	17. Chapter 17

**Wow. I'm on a roll. Two chapters in less than a week. **

At the end of the movie, Cal got up and turned off the DVD player and the television. "Never get tired of that one." He sat back on the couch. "You were lost in thought for a lot of that, love. You doin okay?"

Gillian looked in his direction. "I'm fine Cal. I promise."

"Well, no choice but to believe you at this point. Never could read you, you know." He was giving her a sideways glance.

Gillian shook her head and smirked. "Not for lack of trying."

"True. That's very true." Cal turned to face her fully. "Can I help it that you fascinate me?"

"Fascinate you? Me?" She turned and faced him fully now.

"Yeah. You're like a puzzle that I can never solve. Every time I think I have it all figured out, I realize the picture isn't whole and I find stray pieces hiding here and there." Cal looked at her intently, hoping she would give something away.

"Well, I wouldn't want you to get bored Cal." She smiled slyly at him.

Cal saw the amusement on her face. "Oh, you're good. You're too good." He stared at her for a few moments and watched her face go blank. "See?" He pointed at her and circled his finger around "Fascinating."

Gillian knew he was referring to her ability to put up her mask. She had learned to do that at a young age. Rather than give anyone a reaction to anything, she learned to keep her thoughts and feelings hidden as much as possible. That was the best way to keep herself out of trouble. No matter how she reacted to things, her parents seemed to find fault with it. Several things were filling her mind at the moment; memories that always unsettled her. She curled her legs under her and looked down at her hands. Flashbacks hadn't plagued her for some time.

Cal saw the retreat and wasn't sure how to address it. He watched her for a few moments, waiting to see if she would look up at him. When she didn't, he spoke. "Gill?" No response. "Gillian?"

She heard him say her name and looked up at him. "Yeah?"

He scooted a little closer to her. He wanted to scoot all the way over and wrap her in his arms, but after her first reaction to him last night, he was hesitant to do that. "Where'd you go?"

She took a deep breath. "Uh, nowhere, I… um, nowhere."

'_Well, that's a lie.'_ Cal didn't want to call her on it just yet. It would be better for her to share willingly than for him to jump on her. "I might not be able to read you perfectly all the time, but I know a lie when I see one."

Gillian closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm fine Cal. Sometimes things hit me weird, that's all."

"I'm here and willing to listen if you want to share." Cal spoke softly and hoped she could hear the honesty in his voice.

Gillian looked up at him. Her mouth suddenly felt dry. She licked her lips slightly and looked down and away before she caught herself.

'_Shame.'_ The thought hit them both at the same time.

"It's really nothing Cal. Sometimes when I let my mind think about stuff, little snippets flood back." She was torn between telling him what she was thinking and lying about it. She decided honesty would be best. "I tried not to ever show emotion to my parents. They never seemed to like my reaction to anything." She fiddled with her fingers in her lap. "My father grabbed me inappropriately in front of my mother one day in the kitchen." Gillian took a deep breath and looked up at Cal. "I reacted by getting angry. I pushed his hand away from me and told him to stop it. He grabbed the front of my shirt with both hands and shoved me against the wall. It knocked the wind out of me and I fell to my knees on the floor. I sat there trying to catch my breath while he yelled at me to never push him away again." She paused and took another deep breath. "He left the room and I looked up at my mother. I guess I was hoping she would finally see… you know, that she would maybe recognize something bad was going on." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "But all she said was _'that wasn't smart. You should know better than to push your father away like that.'_ I knew where she stood then. I knew I was on my own."

Cal wasn't sure what to say to that. He felt angry for her. He wanted to find her mother and beat some sense into the damn woman. He started to move closer to her slowly. "Gill? Come here love." He leaned against the back of the couch and put his arm out. He hoped she would come closer so he could put his arm around her.

Gillian hesitated at first, but then she slid closer and let him put his arm around her. She settled into his shoulder and let out a shaky breath.

"Was that when you decided you had no way out? When you realized your mother would be no help and you were on your own?"

Gillian couldn't get words to come out. She was trying not to let her emotions go again. She just nodded her head.

"I understand love. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you went through all that." He squeezed her shoulders tight and brought his other hand around to the back of her head, holding her against him.

Gillian covered her face with the hand she had trapped between her and Cal and used the other to wrap around his middle. It felt good to be held. She squeezed him just as tightly as he was holding her. They sat like that for a while. Suddenly Gillian's stomach growled.

"Well, someone obviously needs some lunch!" Cal released the hand he had holding her head and took a hold of her arm that was wrapped around him.

Gillian giggled. She looked up at him. "I don't know how I could be hungry after the huge breakfast you made me."

Cal looked at the clock. "Well that was hours ago. It's going on one o'clock."

Gillian glanced around to see the clock on the TV. She pushed away from him and stood up. "I'll make lunch."

Cal stood up with her. "Make it light; I have a huge dinner planned!"

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Is a salad okay?"

"Yeah that works." Cal followed her into the kitchen.

"I can handle it Cal. I know how to make a salad."

Cal chuckled. "I have no doubt love. I'm just makin sure you don't tap into my dinner ingredients."

**TBC**


	18. Chapter 18

**A few triggers in this one. Please take care of yourselves…**

After lunch, Cal and Gillian made their way to the back porch. The afternoon sun was warm, even though the air was crisp.

"I love Fall. So many lovely colors and the air is so clear." Gillian wrapped her arms around herself, closed her eyes, and breathed in.

"Oh, yeah. Smell of dying leaves and the signal that cold is coming. I can see why you love it." Cal spurted out sarcastically.

"I don't see it that way." Gillian opened her eyes and stared at the colors on the big oak tree in Cal's back yard. "Fall was always the best time of year for me."

Cal studied her carefully. Her shoulders tightened and her mask shot up. _'Interesting.' _"Why is that love?" Cal was anxious to see what she would say.

Gillian looked at him deciding, once again, whether or not she would give the honest answer. She decided to go for it. He had been responding better than she had expected to everything she had shared so far. "School started, I got to pull out my winter clothes…" She turned in her chair and looked right at him. "School was my escape; all day away from my house. It was the place where I could get positive attention. I was always a good student." She shivered. "I don't think my teachers ever realized how much I needed that positive interaction with them."

Cal remained quiet. He was learning to be patient and wait. It seemed to be working so far. She was sharing more and more with him.

Gillian looked down at her hands and pulled down the long sleeves of Cal's sweatshirt to cover and warm them. "Colder weather meant more clothes. More clothes meant more protection."

Cal thought for a second. "That makes sense."

Gillian looked up at him and gave a little half smile, that didn't reach her eyes. "Yeah…"

They both remained quiet until Cal noticed Gillian shivering. "Let's head in. It's getting a bit chilly out here for my liking."

They made their way in through the back door. Gillian headed toward the kitchen. "Do you want some tea?"

"I would love some. It was a bit chillier than I expected out there." Cal sat at the island and watched as Gillian made her way around his kitchen gathering what she needed to make them both a cup of hot tea. He loved that she was so at home here. It made his stomach feel funny to see how well she fit into his environment.

* * *

After they finished their tea, Cal went up to take a shower. Gillian went into the family room and pulled out one of Cal's old family photo albums. She loved looking at the pictures of Emily when she was younger. The girl always looked happy. Gillian had done an exercise in therapy once where she brought in photos of herself when she was younger. The therapist had helped her see the unhappiness on her face. That was where she first learned about smiles and how sometimes they didn't reach your eyes. If she was honest with herself, wanting to understand that better was why she had read Cal's books all those years ago. He never said anything about her being a natural. Probably because she wasn't, in the sense that it wasn't facial cues that she was always steeled against. She paid more attention to body language and the sound of someone's voice.

Gillian was so engrossed in the photo album; she didn't hear Cal come into the room. He took the opportunity to study her. She was looking at old pictures of Emily. The look on her face wasn't sad, yet it wasn't happy. It looked like longing to him. She was probably thinking about the childhood she wasn't afforded. Cal had to remind himself not to allow anger to take him over. That would shut her down.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He walked toward her as she looked up.

"Hey." Gillian smiled at him. Not a full out, happy smile, but it was a genuine one.

Cal looked at the album. It was filled with pictures of a younger, very happy Emily. Now that he thought about it, that was the album Gillian always looked at when she pulled one off the shelf. Emily was around 10 when that album was put together. _'The same age Gillian was when her abuse started. Well, that explains that.'_

"She was always such a happy kid."

"Yes. She looks happy in all these pictures." Gillian stared wistfully at the photographs as she flipped the page.

"That was about the age you were when it started, yeah?" Cal sat on the coffee table and rested his elbows on his knees. He bet if he could see pictures of Gillian at that age, she wouldn't have the same happy look his Emily did.

Gillian looked up at him with a start. She wanted to deny it, but she couldn't now. He knew about it. She closed the album and got up to put it away.

"You can keep looking love."

"No. It's okay." She turned back toward him. He was still sitting on the table and he nodded his head at her indicating he wanted her to sit back down with him. She went back and curled her self into the recliner.

"Pictures of you at that same age don't boast big smiles like that, do they?" Cal said as he watched her lower her head.

Without looking up at him, she gave her head a shake. "No, they don't. A therapist I worked with when I was still in college had me bring in photos of myself from that time and pointed out to me how unhappy I looked; even in the pictures where I was smiling."

"Is that why you read my books?" Cal was starting to see a few things clearly all of the sudden.

Gillian looked up at him and nodded.

Cal thought for a few seconds and then it hit him. "You weren't a natural with the facial expressions. You were leap years ahead of me with body language, and I will never have your talent for voice recognition…"

Gillian stared at him while he put the pieces together. "No. Facial expressions weren't easy for me. Body language was a piece of cake. Hearing the inflections in people's voices was second nature. Analyzing the spoken word came very easily for me."

Cal gave her a questioning look. But didn't ask anything.

"I didn't see my father coming most of the time. He liked sneak attacks; it took me years to get my startle response under control." She shook her head as she said that last part. She looked back up at Cal. "Sometimes I saw it coming by the way he walked toward me or the way he held his body. That's why reading the body language came so easily."

Cal waited for her to go on, when she didn't he asked. "Voice recognition?"

Gillian took a deep breath. "My father liked to come into my room when he thought I was asleep. I couldn't see him, because it was dark and because I kept my eyes tightly shut. I would hear him coming down the hall. He always talked to himself, and I could tell how bad it would be by the tone of his voice." Gillian shuddered at the memory. Cal reached his hands out flat. She stared at them and looked up at him. His eyes were full of concern. She looked down at his hands and then took hold of them with hers. "If his voice had an angry sound, I knew what to expect. If his voice was quiet and subdued, I knew what to expect." Gillian felt a few tears escape. She hadn't planned on sharing so much.

"I'm so sorry love." He leaned forward and pulled her into a tight hug. They sat like that for a few minutes.

Gillian pulled away and wiped her tears. "Thank you."

Cal took her hands in his again. "I'm here for you Gill. I'll always be here for you. You know that right?"

She leaned in to hug him again nodding her head.

**TBC**


	19. Chapter 19

**It's been a while. I'm sorry! Life interrupted. I was retired from work on my knee injury, my daughter had surgery for her knee injury and then the Holidays crept up. Are people still with me? Thanks to you if you are…**

Cal sensed that Gillian could use a break from the emotional upheaval so he intentionally avoided the topic the rest of the afternoon. They played Backgammon. Cal enjoyed the game because it all came down to the roll of the dice. He didn't have the upper hand, which was evident as Gillian won two out of three games.

Cal tried several times to chase Gillian from the kitchen as he was preparing dinner, but she insisted they work together. They made Thai beef with red peppers, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, and shallots in a spicy ginger sauce. Cal even made peanut dressing for their salads. After dinner was finished and the kitchen had been cleaned up, they retired to the family room with what was left of the bottle of wine.

Gillian curled up on one end of the couch. "I can't believe I've spent the entire day lounging around in your sweats." She pulled on the leg of the baggy pants for emphasis. "I haven't done this in ages."

Cal grinned at her. "Admit it." He plopped on the opposite end of the couch. "It was relaxing. You should do it more often."

Gillian looked down, smiled and took a sip of her wine. He had let her go all evening without bringing up her past. _'He can't let go that easy. When will we get back to it?'_

"What's that love?" He pointed at her face. "What are you thinking?"

Just as Gillian started to answer, he interrupted. "You're waiting for the questions to start, yeah?"

She took in a breath and looked up at him. "You _are_ a mind reader."

"Nah. I just know how you think. And I know myself -and how well _you_ know me." Cal paused for a second. "I'm not going to push Gill. As much as I want to, I know it's not what you need." He waited until she looked up at him and then nodded at her.

"Thank you." Gillian felt okay. She thought the world would fall apart if anyone in her current life found out about her past, but telling Cal had been the right thing to do, although she would _never_ tell him that. "I'm glad I told you Cal. But, I want it to stay between us, okay?"

"Of course love. I would never say anything to anyone about what you've shared with me. It's nobody's bloody business." Cal held her eyes with his. "But, I hope you realize, no one would think any less of you. You're an amazing, strong, and brilliant woman. People realize that from what they do know about you and nothing you could ever say would change that."

Gillian nodded at him, but it was obvious she had her doubts. "Thank you for saying that, but I would still rather keep it between us."

"Completely your call." Cal thought for a second. She said she had never told anyone, in fact she said Alec didn't even know the whole story. So, what was she afraid of? "Did someone in your life have a bad reaction when they found out?"

Gillian smiled. "No Cal. The only person outside of therapy that I ever told was my roommate. My mother did know eventually. But we never really talked about the details and she…" Gillian didn't want to go there. Her mother didn't exactly have a positive reaction. She got appropriately angry at Gillian's father but then she somehow twisted things around so that she was victim in the whole thing as opposed to Gillian.

"Where'd you go love?" Cal watched her as she thought and saw that she was getting lost in whatever she was thinking about. "Gill? What about your mum?" Cal had a feeling that he would be angry at whatever happened with her mother.

Gillian took a deep breath and looked up at him. She started to say something twice and the words didn't come out. On the third try she said, "I was taking anti depressants. When I was home on a school break, my mother walked in one morning as I was getting the pill out. She asked what I was taking and, like an idiot, I told her." Gillian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "That's what started the conversation. I told her what had happened, only the basics. I never discussed the details with her; I never discussed the details with anyone but my therapist actually." She paused for a second and then continued. "My mother responded appropriately at first. She was supportive of me and angry with my father. I think she held enough anger for both of us."

"Is that why you never got angry? Kept your anger in check so as not to feed hers?" Cal could sense that Gillian had never placed the anger where it belonged. She was so hard on herself and while Cal believed she no longer blamed herself for what happened, she still kept the anger down deep inside.

"Probably." Gillian took a long sip of her wine. "A few months after our conversation, my mother wanted to tell her best friend. At least she did ask first." Gillian rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Her reasoning was that she needed support. At first I thought 'support for what? I'm the one he abused.'" Gillian smirked "then she said it was like he had cheated on her; he had an affair during their marriage." She closed her eyes and looked down. She was shaking her head as she looked up.

Cal's mouth had fallen open. If Gillian's mother had been in front of him, he would have strangled her to death with his own hands. "She compared your Dad's abuse of you to him having an affair?"

Gillian looked up at him while she nodded her head. "Yes." Gillian turned her head to look away from him.

"Hey. None of that." Cal could see the shame on her face. "You have nothing to be ashamed of." Cal slowly scooted across the couch toward her, making sure she was okay with him approaching. He took hold of her hand. He was pleased when she not only allowed the gesture, but also squeezed his hand in return.

"I know Cal. I think I'm ashamed that my mother could react that way." Gillian let loose a fake laugh. "What kind of mother would feel that way, let alone say it out loud?"

"The awful kind that either didn't pay attention to what was going on right under her nose, or knew and chose not to do anything." Cal could feel his anger boiling in his stomach. He kept it under control. Gillian didn't need to bear his anger like she had her mother's. He wouldn't do that to her.

"She denied she knew anything. She even chided her self for being so blind." Gillian looked up at him. "Even without micro expressions, I could see she didn't believe a word she was saying. I don't think she knew exactly _what_ was happening, but I'm sure she knew there was something wrong. She just chose not to deal with it."

Cal thought back to something Gillian had said the night before. "She left before you went away to school because she didn't want to deal with your father alone without you there to buffer." Cal shook his head. "Mother of the year, that one."

Gillian nodded her head in agreement.

"You don't see your mum or talk to her often." Cal knew Gillian still had contact with the woman, but she never talked about her.

"No. It's easier that way."

The room was silent for a long time. Cal thought about how Gillian was such a giving and loving person. How had someone like her come from parents like that? "Darling you must have been raised by wolves. There is no way such a perfectly wonderful, giving, and sweet person like you came from stock like that."

Gillian laughed out loud. "Thank you? I think…"

Cal laughed with her. "It's been a while since I was in science class, but I think it may prove the theory that two negatives make a positive."

They both laughed again. Gillian leaned over, putting her arms around him. He grabbed her into a tight hug. "Thank you Cal."

"No thanks necessary, love."

**TBC**

**On the home stretch now...**


	20. Chapter 20

**This was a difficult one to write. I had what I wanted to say planned out in my thoughts, but I'm not sure it translated well in the written word. I hope it makes sense. I trust you'll let me know if it doesn't!**

Gillian set her empty dessert plate on the coffee table next to Cal's. "I love chocolate cake. It makes me happy." She sat back and curled her legs under her.

"I can't believe you can eat so much sugary, calorie laden stuff and not weigh 300 pounds." Cal was smiling at her.

Gillian gave him a sideways glance. "I was blessed with a high metabolism and I spend a lot of time exercising. This weekend could come back to bite me. I missed my spin class today and I usually run at least 5 miles every Sunday morning."

Cal ignored her lamenting. "Where'd you get that sweet tooth from?"

Gillian laughed. "My mother equated sugary snacks with happiness. She wasn't big on affection but she could make a killer batch of fudge." They were quiet for a few minutes. "I guess I learned that chocolate could make me happy, it worked while I was growing up. I rebelled against that in college, put myself on a strict diet; avoided sweets all together. That lasted for a few months before my roommate left a double chocolate cupcake on my desk with a note that said _'Please Gill. Eat the cupcake! You are an angry, grumpy bitch without chocolate!'_ "

Cal burst out laughing. "Thank God for your roommate!"

"After a while I realized it didn't have to be chocolate. All the chocolate stuff I loved; cookies, cake, ice cream. It was all laden with fat. So, I came up with this idea to eat 'fat free' sugary stuff. I didn't abandon chocolate all together, mind you. I became an equal opportunity sweets eater." Gillian was enjoying his laughter so she kept going "licorice, pixie stix, lollipops; the best were tootsie rolls and tootsie pops. They're chocolate!"

They were both laughing now. Once they calmed down, Gillian noticed Cal smiling and staring at her. "You really are remarkable. You know that?" She could see the honesty on his face as he said it.

Gillian smiled at him. "Thank you."

Cal got up and grabbed their plates. Gillian went to follow him but he stopped her. "Relax love. I'm just gonna put these in the dishwasher quick."

"Ok." Gillian curled up on the end of the couch.

Cal came back in and sat on the opposite end of the couch. Gillian looked up to find him studying her. "What?" He was quiet as if he couldn't get the words out that he wanted to say. Gillian knew what that meant. "Go ahead and ask Cal. It's okay. I'm surprised at the restraint you've shown thus far."

Cal scrunched his face up. "I'm sorry love. You don't have to answer, really." He paused for a few seconds. " I was just wondering… Did you ever talk to your Dad about it?"

Gillian took in a deep breath and looked down at her hands. She had been expecting him to ask this at some point. "No." She shifted in her seat a little. She had a hard time organizing her thoughts.

Cal sat patiently and gave her the time to say whatever she was trying to.

"I was afraid my Dad would find out that I knew. I know that sounds crazy. But, I never said anything to him." She shook her head and stared up at the ceiling. "I just, I acted like I was asleep for the worst of it. When I was younger, I always thought as long as he didn't think I knew what he was doing, everything would be okay. I decided if he thought I knew what was going on, he would hurt me to keep me quiet."

Gillian looked up at him briefly. "It's insane, I know." She got a lost look in her eyes and then looked down and to her left. Cal knew she was connecting with a memory. "As I got older, it was just easier to keep denying it I guess. It took me a long time to reconcile that in therapy." She slowly looked up at him. "It's amazing the things our psyches do to protect us."

"Yes, it is." Cal didn't want to interrupt her but felt he needed to acknowledge what she was saying.

"After I got into therapy, I acted like nothing was wrong when I was around my Dad for the longest time, but… it got to the point where I couldn't stand to be around him. I would panic; literally make myself sick. With the help of my therapist, I decided to no longer have contact with him."

Cal could see the pain and guilt on her face. "Did that help?"

Gillian thought about the question. "For the most part."

"What do you mean, Gill?"

She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. "My family was upset. They didn't like that I wouldn't come around. Eventually, I moved away. That was easier than facing them."

"What did your Dad say?" Cal couldn't imagine the man would explain what had really happened.

"He said I was crazy and that I was seeing a therapist who was planting ideas in my head. At one point, my Aunt said she had a conversation with him and he told her that I was accusing him of sexually abusing me. I never told him why I was avoiding him. I didn't tell anyone else in the family either and yet, he told my aunt that." Gillian shifted position again. "That was the only validation I ever got." She looked up at Cal and shook her head in disbelief. "I resigned myself to be happy with that acknowledgement because I new I would never get more. I actually feel lucky to have gotten that."

"You never wanted an apology? An admittance of guilt?" Cal wanted both those things for her.

"I knew I would never get either. My family were experts at deny, deny, deny. That's why I took the accidental acknowledgement and never pushed for more."

Cal's heart ached for her. She was such a sweet, caring woman. She deserved so much more in her life than what she'd been dealt. "I'm sorry love." He moved toward the middle of the couch and put his arm across the back of the cushions. "Come here."

Gillian got to her knees and crawled toward him. She leaned into his side and rested her head on his shoulder. Cal wrapped his arm around her. It felt good to be held. She felt herself becoming emotional and started to back away but Cal held tight. "Cal…" her voice hiccupped slightly and he knew she was trying to hold back her emotions.

"Just let me hold you for a bit Gill, please? Everybody needs that from time to time, you know?" He squeezed her shoulder and felt her relax back against him. "Its always so hard for you to let people help, isn't it?"

Gillian didn't answer him verbally but he felt her head nod against him. It was hard to let yourself be vulnerable especially when so many people in your life had left you hurting. She put her arm around Cal and held on tightly. They remained in that position for a while, him comforting her and her allowing it.

Cal didn't want to ask another question, but he was curious. Gillian felt him tense. "What Cal?" He felt her smile against his shoulder and heard it in the tone of her voice. "Go ahead and ask. It's okay."

Cal paused for a second hoping this wouldn't be too much. "When did your Dad die?"

"A few years after Alec and I got married."

"Did you go to the funeral?"

Gillian sat up slightly so she could talk more easily. "Yes, surprisingly. I drove down the night before-"

Cal interrupted "By yourself?" He wondered why that wanker of a husband she had didn't go with her.

"Yes. Alec had a presentation to do the day of the funeral. It worked out better that way." Gillian nodded her head at him as if to make sure he understood she was glad Alec didn't go. "I got to the funeral home just as the viewing was ending. I snuck in and looked at my Dad in the casket." She looked up at him willing him to understand her next statement. "I needed to see him… to make sure he was… I had to be sure." Gillian was worried Cal would think she was awful for going just to make sure he was dead. "That probably sounds awful but-"

"No, Gill." Cal reached for her hand. "It doesn't sound awful. I understand completely."

Gillian took a breath and released it. She was happy Cal wasn't judging her for that. "I slept better that night than I had in years. I felt safe. I knew he could no longer get to me." She looked at him and was happy to see approval on his face. She gave him a small smile and nodded her head.

Cal pulled her toward him again. Once she settled back against him he spoke "How did your Dad die?"

Gillian muttered "Prostate cancer."

Cal thought to himself what a fitting way it was for that monster to go. "Poetic justice, that is."

Gillian nodded in agreement. "Yeah." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly but she didn't move away from him. "It's getting late."

"A little. You tired?" She nodded. Cal decided he could stay there and hold her all night. It was scary how much he loved having her near him. He had been pushing her away and acting less than nice for a while now and he knew that sooner or later he would have to own up to the feelings he was having toward her. "Bed time?"

Gillian stood up as she responded. "Yes."

Cal jumped up and wrapped her in a tight hug. She returned the hug just as tightly. "Come on then. I'll tuck you in!" They both laughed as they made their way to the stairs.

**TBC **

**I'm thinking one more chapter…**


	21. Chapter 21

**It feels like I've lost a lot of you. Is this too much? **

Gillian fell asleep for a few hours and then woke with a start. She wasn't sure what had woken her, but she was finding it impossible to go back to sleep. A glance at the clock told her it was quarter after one in the morning. She laid and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before deciding to get up and head to the kitchen. Maybe a warm glass of milk sprinkled with nutmeg would help her relax.

Gillian slipped Cal's sweatpants back on and quietly opened the guest room door. Cal's bedroom door was closed and the light was off. She made her way down the stairs with only a few creaks from the old wooden floor.

Cal heard what he thought was a doorknob turning. He then heard the familiar creak of the wooden floor in the hallway. He wasn't sure what had woken him up, but whatever it was must have woken Gillian also. He slowly got out of bed and put his sweats on. He opened his door and saw the guest room door open. He could hear Gillian downstairs. At least he knew she wasn't leaving; he'd never given her back her boots or keys!

Once in the kitchen, Gillian made her way to the cabinet and pulled out a mug. She filled it with milk from the refrigerator and put it in the microwave to warm. She then went to the spice cabinet to find the nutmeg.

Cal got to the bottom of the steps. He stood and watched Gillian as she made her way around his kitchen. She was so comfortable there. That made him happy and he felt warmth in his belly. He thought again about how badly he had been treating her over the past few months. Since the miner case last week (and since Gillian had gotten the FBI off their backs), their relationship had been going much better. If she hadn't been so drunk out on the balcony that night he may have kissed her. He saw the desire in her eyes but he was not about to trust she truly felt that way. Not as plastered as she was. He believed they had strong feelings for each other and he also knew he would acknowledge that more quickly than she ever would. She'd been hurt a lot in her life. He had no idea just how much until this weekend. He knew he loved her, but this weekend wouldn't be the time to go there. No, this weekend she needed her best friend. And he was damn sure not going to screw that up. For now, he was content to let them get back the closeness he had mucked up recently.

Gillian was digging through the spice cabinet and getting obviously frustrated that she couldn't find what she wanted. She had three different spices in each hand when he spoke to her. "Love-"

Gillian jumped, squealed, and dropped everything she had been holding as she spun toward him. "Jesus Cal!" Putting her hand on her chest she tried to calm herself down. "You scared me half to death!" Just then the microwave beeped and she startled again. "God!"

She took a few deep breaths as Cal walked over to her. "I'm sorry darling. I didn't mean to frighten you. I was just going to ask what you were looking for so maybe I could help you find it." He bent down with her to gather up the spices she had dropped.

"It's okay." She stood with a few of the spices in her hands. "I'm sorry if I woke you. Something woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I was going to try some warm milk. I was just looking for the nutmeg."

"Nutmeg?" He looked at her incredulously. "In your milk? Warm?"

Gillian smiled and shook her head at him. "It's very relaxing!"

"I've got some 'sleepy time' tea. You want to try that?" Cal turned the kettle on and grabbed himself a mug.

"No thanks. I'm good with my milk. I just need to find the nutmeg." She resumed her search in the cabinet. "These spices are a mess. How do you find anything?"

"Uh, well. Much the way you're doing right now. Don't use too many spices for canned beans on toast." He laughed and went over to help her.

"Wow Cal. This cabinet sure needs some organizing." She started pulling things out until she found the nutmeg. She grabbed her mug from the microwave and sprinkled the nutmeg on the top. She carried the mug with her back to the spice cabinet. Instead of putting everything back she started dragging more spices out.

"What are you doing love?"

"I'm organizing." She looked over her shoulder at him. "I can't sleep so I might as well do something productive."

Cal came over to her and took the spices from her hands and set them on the counter. He then picked up her mug and grabbed her elbow. He led her over to the kitchen island. "Sit. Organizing my spice cabinet is not going to help you relax!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sitting." Gillian picked up her mug and sipped the warm milk slowly as she watched Cal make his tea. She thought back to everything she had shared with him this weekend. She couldn't help but be embarrassed. She felt strange somehow, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

Cal turned and saw her face "Oi! None of that!"

Gillian looked up at him surprised. "None of what?"

"I can see the wheels spinning in there." He pointed his finger at her head making tiny circles with it. "Stop second guessing yourself. I'm glad you shared with me Gill. It means a lot that you trusted me enough to tell me."

She whispered "Exposed." The word hit Gillian like a ton of bricks. That's how she felt. Exposed, raw, cut open, like that clam, broken open in an attempt to find the pearl. Just what she had _not_ wanted to happen.

"Hey. Don't Gill." Cal reached his hand over and touched her forearm. She looked up at him. He could see the fear and sadness on her face. "Don't do that."

Gillian masked it as soon as she saw his reaction. "I'm sorry Cal…" she looked down at her mug that she was unconsciously spinning in her hands.

"Do you regret telling me?" When she didn't answer he scooted closer to her. "Are you afraid I'll use this information against you?"

"No Cal. I don't think you would use it against me, at least not purposely. I do believe you'll act differently with our cases and try to limit the involvement that I'll have."

"I promise I'll try not to do that Gill. But, I care about you and I will definitely be more cautious, I can't deny that." He paused for a few seconds, giving her time to answer his other question. When she remained quiet he spoke. "What about my other question Gill?"

Gillian closed her eyes. She didn't have regrets about telling Cal, she was worried about letting it out there. It tended to upset the balance in her life if she dwelled on it. That was one of the reasons she had been happy to forget it; leave it behind her. "I don't regret telling you Cal. I trust you completely…"

"But what, then? There is a 'but' there right?"

Gillian sighed. Telling Cal wasn't really the issue but how could she make him understand that? "It's just, whenever I allow my past this much attention it tends to cause problems for me in the present."

Cal thought for a moment. She said she hadn't really shared a whole lot of details with anyone. A select few people had knowledge that something had happened and Gillian had shared the most details with a therapist. "Maybe when you've paid attention to it in the past you spent all your energy working to keep it locked inside. Instead of venting it out, you sought to re-bury it." He paused to let her think on that for a few seconds. "You're not alone Gill. You don't have to carry it all by yourself anymore."

Gillian drew in a quick breath at Cal's words. She felt chills go across her neck and shoulders and the familiar tickle behind her eyes. She couldn't look at him or she knew she would cry. She managed to mumble a broken "Thank you."

"No thanks necessary love. I care about you, a lot. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you." He was staring at her but he could only see the top of her head because she wouldn't look up at him. He reached over and touched underneath her chin trying to get her to look at him.

Gillian backed away from him and walked toward the sink with her mug. She rinsed the mug out and took a deep breath trying to collect herself before she turned to face him. She didn't realize he had gotten up when she did as was now standing right behind her. She turned and practically ran into him. She averted her eyes, but not before he saw the tears glistening.

Cal gently took hold of her forearms. "I mean that." He held her in place, hoping she would look at him.

Gillian took a deep breath and slowly looked up at him. "I know Cal. I feel the same about you." She nodded her head. They gazed at each other for a few seconds before they both looked away. There was a change in the room they both noticed.

Gillian couldn't identify what it was and Cal could see confusion on her face. He knew it was the line disappearing, but he couldn't tell her that. She was in a precarious position emotionally and he knew she needed to be on more stable ground before he could even consider hinting about his growing feelings for her.

"Come here love." Cal wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her in close to him.

Gillian put her arms around his waist and allowed him to pull her close. She rested her forehead on his shoulder just as a few tears escaped her eyes.

They hugged for few seconds before they both backed away. Cal bent forward to catch her eyes. "You okay?"

Gillian gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Good. You sleepy enough to go back to bed now?" Cal turned her to face the same way he was and put his arm around her shoulders.

Gillian's smile grew. "I think so."

* * *

Gillian woke at 6:30 in the morning. She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. She finally got up at 7:00. Cal's bedroom door was still shut. She made her way to the hall bathroom. She hopped in the shower and then got dressed in the clothes she had worn to Cal's on Friday. No matter what he said, she was going home today.

She quietly made her way to the kitchen. She started the coffee pot and then looked in the refrigerator. She found just what she wanted to make omelets. She pulled out peppers, onions, and mushrooms and put them on the island. She grabbed a cutting board and sliced up the vegetables. She put them in bowls and returned them to the refrigerator. They would be fine until Cal got up, then she would make the omelets.

All the spices were out on the counter where she had left them. She went to the cabinet and, using a step stool, she pulled all the spices out. She went through them all, combining the duplicates. She organized them alphabetically and neatly placed them back in the cabinet.

When she turned from the cabinet to put the step stool away, she saw Cal watching her. She thought she had heard him a few minutes before, so he hadn't scared her this time. "Good morning."

"Good morning love. Just couldn't resist fixing that spice cabinet could you?" Cal was laughing at her.

Gillian laughed with him. "It needed it Cal. Plus, now I know where to find the spices I want to use in your omelet."

**TBC **

**Got carried away… There will be one more chapter!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks to everyone who has supported me through the writing and posting of this story. You will truly never know how much that has meant to me…**

After breakfast, they both got a fresh cup of coffee and headed out to the back deck. Cal watched Gillian stare at the colorful leaves on the large oak tree in his back yard. It was amazing how different he felt watching that look on her face today. Now that he had learned so many things about her, he understood her on an entirely new level.

He always knew there was more to Gillian Foster than he could initially see. He had learned the previous year, during the whole Doyle mess, that she could be one hell of a liar when she wanted to be. Now he understood her affinity for voice recognition and her perceptiveness where body language was concerned. He knew she was resilient just from what he had seen her go through since they met, this new information made that resiliency seem incredible. He thought she was one of the strongest, most compassionate, and giving people he had ever met and it made him sad that she obviously had few people in her life she could trust in or lean on. He felt overwhelmingly proud that she trusted him as much as she did and he was determined to never let her down again.

"Ready to go in love? It's getting a tad chilly out here." Cal stood and waited for her to stand also. They both headed back into the house. Cal took Gillian's coffee cup from her and carried both their cups to the sink.

Gillian headed into the living room and sat on the couch. She was still processing all that she had shared this weekend. She felt relieved with Cal's reaction. Now she just hoped he wouldn't treat her too differently armed with this new knowledge.

When Cal came into the room, she was staring down at her hands. "Penny for your thoughts?"

Gillian looked up and gave him a shy smile. She looked back at her hands. "I'm just thinking how lucky I am." Cal sat on the opposite end of the couch, which left them facing each other. She looked over at him. "This was good for me, and don't go gloating or saying 'I told you so.'" She paused for a few seconds. "I appreciate you listening. And aside from the one, BIG push you purposely gave me" she took a second to glare at him before she continued "I want to thank you for not backing me into a corner and forcing me to talk."

"You're welcome love. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I feel honored."

They stared at each other for a few moments. Gillian was the first to look away. "I should probably go home now…"

"Gillian." He paused and waited for her to look at him. When they made eye contact again he continued. "I'm glad you stayed. I hate how things had gotten between us. I missed my best friend and I'm sorry for all the muck I put you through."

'_He just gave me a heartfelt apology.'_ "Cal." She smiled at him and he was happy to see it was genuine. "We're good. I hope you know by now you'll have to do more than that to get rid of me, although you did push the envelope a bit far. Can we not go there again? I hate when we're at odds like that."

"Not going there again. Ever. These last few months have been awful and Emily has been right mad at me for our lack of contact with you." They both laughed. "She'll be happy we spent time together, but not happy she wasn't here."

"Maybe, I'll see if she wants to go shopping next weekend." Gillian gave him a sly smile.

Cal hung his head and groaned. "Oh, there goes my credit card balance again! She loves those shopping trips with you, can't say the same for my wallet."

"We'll keep it low key. I promise." Gillian said this as she crossed her fingers behind her back.

Cal squinted at her. "Now that's a lie." He said as he reached for her hidden arm. "I don't even have to read you to know that. You and my daughter shopping is never low key! But, you haven't gone in a while so I won't complain too much."

Gillian bit her lip and looked down at her hands. "Cal, not that I think you _will_ tell anyone about our conversations this weekend… But I have to say it… Please, don't repeat anything-especially to Emily."

Cal got a serious look on his face. "Never. I will never breathe a word of this to anyone. It's your story love. The only people who will ever know are the people you choose to tell."

"Thank you." Gillian stood up. "Can I have my boots and my keys now?"

Cal jumped up quickly and headed for the stairs. He disappeared into his room. He wanted to grab the items quickly so she wouldn't see where he had hidden them. You never know; he might need that hiding spot again.

Gillian thought about following him so she could see where her things had been hidden. Before she could move, he was coming out of the bedroom door with her stuff in his hands.

Cal handed her the boots and keys. "I'm going to say it again. I'm very happy you stayed here this weekend."

Gillian smiled. "Me too. As much as I hate to admit it." She sat and put her boots on. When she was ready, she walked to the coat rack by the door. Cal helped her put her coat on. "Thanks." She smiled at him.

"We should do this again sometime." Cal threw that out there hopefully, wanting to see what her reaction would be.

Gillian laughed. "We'll see. Next time can it be planned so I come prepared? Not that your sweats weren't comfortable but…"

"Fair enough. Next time it'll be planned!" Her reaction pleased him; she hadn't outright said no. This was progress.

Cal opened his arms and she stepped into his embrace. "Don't get mad darling, I just want to make sure… Are you okay?"

Gillian squeezed him tightly. "I'm fine Cal." She stepped back and smiled at him. "Thank you, for everything."

"Anytime Gill. I mean that." They smiled at each other before she turned and headed for her car.

Gillian spent the afternoon cleaning her apartment. It sufficiently distracted her from thinking about everything she shared with Cal. After she had finished cleaning, eaten her dinner and gotten her stuff ready for work the next morning, she relaxed on her couch with a glass of wine. A small part of her wanted to go dig in the box she kept in her closet, the one that held her childhood memories, and take everything out to see how she would feel. Would she feel differently now that she had shared her past with Cal? Would it feel different to look at the few things she had kept, knowing she wasn't carrying her secret alone anymore?

Before she could decide, her phone beeped indicating she had a new text message. She leaned over and grabbed her phone off the coffee table. She smiled when she saw the text was from Cal.

"_Hey love"_

Gillian sent a text back. _"Hi Cal."_

"_Your apartment spotless?"_

She laughed out loud. She wasn't sure how to feel about him being absolutely correct about what she had done all day. _"Why would you ask that?"_

She was surprised when he called instead of texting back. "Hi Cal."

"_Why_ would I ask that?" She could hear the smile in his voice. "Because I know you. And I'm sure you spent the day cleaning, probably ate a small dinner, got your stuff ready for tomorrow, and I would bet your sitting on the couch right now with a glass of red wine."

"Red wine? Why would you guess red wine?" Gillian was smiling now too.

"It is red, isn't it?" Cal was still smiling.

"You're so smug. That's irritating, you know?" She was quiet for a moment.

"Gill?" Cal was worried he had offended her. He couldn't 'read' voices; that was her specialty.

She let him off the hook. "Why would you guess red?"

"Well, I know when you're happy you always pick a white wine; one that's crisp and light. And I've noticed when you feel sad or melancholy, you tend to choose a red."

"Oh." Gillian was surprised. She knew he paid attention to everything she did, but she had no idea just how much. "I, uh…" She was at a loss for words.

"You didn't think I paid that much attention, right?" Cal's voice was soft. "I always pay attention when it comes to you love."

Gillian was trying not to get emotional, but it was getting harder. "I know Cal."

They were quiet for a few minutes. "You okay?" Cal was afraid he might have crossed that line she so liked to live by.

Gillian didn't know how she felt. She knew something was changing, but she wasn't ready to go there. Not after all she had told him. She needed to know that he wasn't trying to make up for her less than stellar past. "I'll _be_ okay. Thanks to you."

Cal appreciated the honesty. "You're right. You will be okay."

**It just feels right to end this story on that note. That being said… I have an epilogue rolling around in my mind. Not sure when I'll get it written, but I feel it needs to be done. Hopefully soon-ish… **


	23. Chapter 23

Cal kept a watchful eye on Gillian as he drove her home. The past week had been hell for her. They had figured out who killed Claire and Cal planned to make sure Zac went away for a long time.

The funeral today was hard for Gillian. He was happy to see that she didn't push him away. She had, in fact, leaned on him quite a bit. Since their talk a few months ago, things between them had been different. The playful banter and underlying sexual tension were back in full force. He relished every second he spent with her and, if her facial expressions were any indication, she felt the same way.

Cal's mind wandered to the conversation he had with Emily a few days ago. What _was_ he waiting for? He loved Gillian. Admitting it out loud to his daughter had opened a floodgate. He spent most of his time thinking about how to broach the subject with Gillian and the rest of his time fretting over her response.

Cal parked his car in front of Gillian's house. He had an idea and he hoped she would go along with it. "It's Friday."

Gillian looked at him with confusion on her face. "Yes. It is."

"No work tomorrow." Cal wanted to ask her to stay at his place for the weekend, or at least for tonight. He was worried about her. Today had been rough and she hadn't been sleeping well.

Gillian shook her head. "No work tomorrow." She thought for a second. _'Where is he going with this?' _She went to open the car door and he grabbed her left arm.

Cal decided to put it out there instead of dancing around it. "Stay at my place. Em is off on a senior class ski trip. It's been a hard week. Let's relax. I'll make dinner."

"Cal…" Gillian looked at his hand holding her arm. "I wouldn't be good company. With everything that's happened, I just want to take a hot bath, drink at least a bottle of wine and go to bed."

"So you can lay awake staring at the ceiling?" He was waiting for her to deny that she hadn't been sleeping well.

Gillian looked away from him and let out an exasperated breath. "Cal. Please don't."

"Don't what? Don't worry about you? Sorry love. Can't help it." Cal tugged on her arm until she looked back over at him. "You have huge rings under your eyes Gill. It's obvious you've not been sleeping much."

Gillian wanted to deny it, but she would be lying. "No. I haven't. But, it'll get better. It _is_ getting better."

"I seem to recall a conversation in which you said we could do another weekend if you had prior notice so you could pack a bag. You grumbled something about staying in my sweats all weekend." Cal grinned at her.

When he gave her that look, she couldn't help but smile back at him. "I do recall that conversation, and I believe I said '_We'll see_.' That was not a commitment."

"But it _was_ a _maybe._ And a maybe can be switched to a yes _very_ easily." Cal turned in his seat and took her arm in both of his hands. He was rubbing her forearm very gently with one hand and gripping her arm just above her elbow with the other. "Please? I want to spend some time with you."

Gillian was staring at her arm where he was rubbing it gently. She could feel her heart rate increasing and her face flushing. She noticed she had been having this reaction to him a lot lately. She looked up at his face. He was looking at her intensely. Were they crossing the line? Was this a smart thing to do? Before she realized it, she licked her lips and swallowed. She saw his pupils dilate. "Uh, um, I…"

"You feel it too." It wasn't a question. "I can see it on your face. But, I also see that you're scared." He looked down at his hand that was caressing her arm. "I'm bloody terrified Gill." He glanced back up at her. "But, I'm more terrified of not trying and missing out on something spectacular."

She wasn't sure what to say. She had seen and felt their feelings changing and while that excited her on one level, she was petrified on another. "Cal. What about the line? We created it for a reason."

"Sod the line Gill. We've been trampling all over it for years. In the past 4 months we have steadily been erasing it." He tugged on her arm again. "Come on. I'll walk you in and you can pack a bag. We'll go back to my place and talk."

She couldn't get a sound to come out of her mouth so she nodded and got out of the car.

* * *

Gillian went through the door first. When Cal stepped in behind her he immediately smelled baked goods. "What's that smell? You been baking?"

Gillian giggled. "You could say that." She led him into the kitchen. There were two cakes, brownies, and several dozen cookies. She opened the refrigerator and Cal could see lasagna and a huge pot of something.

"What's that?" Cal reached in and pulled the lid.

"Homemade vegetable soup."

"So, I guess you cook when you can't sleep?" Cal was grinning at her.

"Yeah. It usually relaxes me. But, then I end up with a kitchen full of food. I eat some of it and usually take the rest to the homeless shelter." Gillian's face was red. She was embarrassed.

Cal thought for a few seconds. "You got a spare toothbrush love?"

Gillian was caught off guard by the question. "What?"

"Spare toothbrush? You know so, after I stuff myself with all this food, I can brush my teeth?"

Gillian squinted her eyes at him. "Are you inviting yourself to stay here?"

"Absolutely! We _could_ go back to my place, but we'd have to stop by the store since I have no groceries. So, I figure we could stay here. That all right?"

"Uh, sure."

* * *

Cal heated up the lasagna and threw together a salad while Gillian took a long, hot bath. The entire time he was in the kitchen, all he could think about was the fact that Gillian was naked a few rooms away.

Gillian was lounging in the bathtub. She tried to relax, but all she could think about was that Cal was in her kitchen making dinner and she was here, naked, just a few rooms away.

* * *

Two hours later, they had eaten, cleaned up the kitchen, and were currently curled up together on her couch. Cal had sat first on one end. Gillian walked in after grabbing a blanket. She paused for a second, debating her next move. She decided to be bold, to take a risk. She sat down next to him and leaned into his right side. Cal automatically wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"No movie love?" Cal thought for sure she would put a movie on, if for no other reason than she was uncomfortable with where the conversation may be going. He had thought about pushing things forward between them for quite some time. He was ready to take the leap, but he wasn't sure exactly where her head was. He didn't want to cause her any more stress by pushing too soon.

"No. No movie." She snuggled against his shoulder. "Cal?"

"Yeah?" He was anxious to see where this would go.

"We should probably talk, huh?" Gillian wished he would take the lead on this. She had no idea what to say or how to address the feelings she was having.

"Yeah, we probably should." He used his other hand to turn her toward him while he turned to face her. "I want to look in those incredibly blue eyes of yours when we do this."

Gillian felt the heat rush up her cheeks. She tried to look down and hide her eyes.

Cal caught her chin and raised it back up. "Now, there's a surprise." In all the years they had been best friends, he had never seen her blush so deeply. She usually met him eye to eye and gave as good as she got, even when the innuendos were flying. He wasn't sure what to do with a shy Gillian. _'That's sexy as hell.'_

"Cal, I-" before she could get any further, his lips were on hers. The kiss was gentle, and sweet. Like he was testing the waters.

Cal leaned away after the kiss and studied her face. He saw her pupils dilate. She licked her lips in that way he found so sexy and then swallowed hard. "I'm _not_ reading this wrong, am I Gill?"

Gillian took in a deep breath. She tried to speak but no words would come out. She shook her head 'no' and looked from his lips to his eyes and back.

Cal smiled. "I'm going to kiss you again. If you want to stop me, do it now."

She shook her head no again and leaned up to catch his lips. This kiss was less gentle, but no less sweet. She leaned back and stared into his eyes. "Are we really going to do this?"

"Abso-bloody-lutely! I have been waiting forever to kiss you." He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Just so you know Gill, this is it for me. I have loved you for so long now. I can't remember a time when I didn't love you."

Gillian couldn't stop the flash of surprise that flitted across her face. Immediately behind it was a questioning look.

Cal smiled again. "It hasn't always been a romantic kind of love. But, that's definitely what it is now." He watched her for a few seconds. "Is that okay with you?"

Gillian still couldn't find her voice. She nodded and put her arms around his neck.

Cal laughed. "It appears I've left you speechless. For once, I'm the one using all the words. Go figure."

Gillian pulled his lips to hers and kissed him with all she had.

When they pulled apart again, Cal spoke quietly "Darling, you can be quiet forever as long as you keep kissing me like that."

Gillian giggled and snuggled in close to him.

**Not exactly the epilogue I had in mind. But, when I sat down to write, this is what came out. I hope everyone is satisfied with it. I feel more comfortable writing the relationship build up rather than the relationship itself! My main purpose was to have them end up together. SO-mission accomplished.**

**Now maybe I can get back to the fics I'm currently working on. I'm hoping this was the little kick in the ass my muse needed. We shall see…**


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